2008 was not a fantastic year, but it was better than 2007. It started out rocky with my husband out of work. In March we were both out of work. In May we both went back to work, but Ted was in Colorado & I remained in Amarillo. It was tough. He would drive up each Monday morning & come back to Amarillo on Friday night. It took a toll on us both. I found a job working part-time at an independent pharmacy. As part of the probation on my license, I must work at least 20 hours a week. When I am unemployed that time gets tacked on to the amount of time my license is on probation.
Prayers were answered in June when a job in Amarillo came open & Ted could give notice in Colorado & come home to stay! I am glad, because after 19 years in this house, I did NOT want to clean out closets! They scare me.
I was laid off in November. I'm still trying to figure out God's plan there. Why is it we don't get a memo when we don't understand. What is the lesson here? I don't know yet, but I know there is one & a plan that will bring me to a new journey. Faith, not fear. Faith, not fear. Faith, not fear.
2008 was the 1st full year without narcotics. Some days are easier than others. God have given me a strength that is sometimes hard to explain to others. Probably because it overwhelms me. The easiest way for me to explain my life, is to just to live my life each day the way I think God wants me to. It isn't always easy. The greatest part of all of this is the urge to steal from my employer is gone! That can only come from God. And from me following a program of recovery. It is the only way to keep my license & continue doing what I love to do. I miss working.
In 10 days I will have 18 months clean. I love the 12 step program I'm following. I love being of service within that fellowship. Anything is possible! Learning how to "live life on life's terms" is a one-day-at-a-time process. I can't change what I did yesterday and I sure can't worry about tomorrow-it's not even here yet. Focus on today. Staying clean, helping another addict, praising God for what I have today. 2009 is going to be wonderful.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Positive Post Tuesday
Well it is Tuesday and I will be positive, whether I want to or not. "Living life on life's terms" is a daily motto of recovery. In less than 2 weeks I will have 18 months without pain pills & my favorite muscle relaxer! It has not always been easy. The fact that I'm a pharmacist and work around these drugs all day long has got to be scary for those I work for & with. It's scary for me sometimes. I would be lying if I said it wasn't.
I stole from my employer, I lied to everyone (doctors, family, co-workers, myself), and I self-medicated until I couldn't see me anymore. I did things that embarrassed my family. I haven't come far enough to make amends yet, but I continue to work every day to get to that step. I know I can't change any of my actions, but I can live for today & make living amends as I go.
God never left me during my addiction. It was hard to feel all He had to offer when I was numb from drugs. There was no clear mind with which to listen to any message He was giving me. God was and is patient with me. For that I am grateful and positive that I become a better wife, a better mom, a better co-worker, and a better me. God took that craving away. He can keep it. It's hard to explain how good it feels not to want to take those drugs anymore. Only someone like God can take that craving away. Wow.
I am thankful God has my back and that He brought me into a 12 step program that is reteaching me how to live. God made me the way I am and followed me into the desert of my addiction. No one else did. No one else knows what I was really feeling. It seemed like no one cared anymore. People have come into my life in the past 17 & 1/2 months that are awesome. People I never would have met if I hadn't been "forced" into recovery. God is great!
Last night I drove an hour north of Amarillo to attend an NA meeting that some friends started about 6 weeks ago. There were 7 people in attendance. It was neat to meet some new people and see the need for a meeting closer to their homes. A lot of people have to drive for an hour or more to get to a meeting. The Texas Panhandle is pretty big. Please pray for this couple, that they remain devoted and continue to grow in their recovery. "Personal recovery depends on NA unity" was kind our topic last night. We can not recover alone. Being alone is dangerous ground. Only with the help of God and other recovering addicts, can I grow in my walk with God & recovery. It is this unity that works.
I stole from my employer, I lied to everyone (doctors, family, co-workers, myself), and I self-medicated until I couldn't see me anymore. I did things that embarrassed my family. I haven't come far enough to make amends yet, but I continue to work every day to get to that step. I know I can't change any of my actions, but I can live for today & make living amends as I go.
God never left me during my addiction. It was hard to feel all He had to offer when I was numb from drugs. There was no clear mind with which to listen to any message He was giving me. God was and is patient with me. For that I am grateful and positive that I become a better wife, a better mom, a better co-worker, and a better me. God took that craving away. He can keep it. It's hard to explain how good it feels not to want to take those drugs anymore. Only someone like God can take that craving away. Wow.
I am thankful God has my back and that He brought me into a 12 step program that is reteaching me how to live. God made me the way I am and followed me into the desert of my addiction. No one else did. No one else knows what I was really feeling. It seemed like no one cared anymore. People have come into my life in the past 17 & 1/2 months that are awesome. People I never would have met if I hadn't been "forced" into recovery. God is great!
Last night I drove an hour north of Amarillo to attend an NA meeting that some friends started about 6 weeks ago. There were 7 people in attendance. It was neat to meet some new people and see the need for a meeting closer to their homes. A lot of people have to drive for an hour or more to get to a meeting. The Texas Panhandle is pretty big. Please pray for this couple, that they remain devoted and continue to grow in their recovery. "Personal recovery depends on NA unity" was kind our topic last night. We can not recover alone. Being alone is dangerous ground. Only with the help of God and other recovering addicts, can I grow in my walk with God & recovery. It is this unity that works.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Stats Suck Sunday
- Had a small Christmas. Just a few stocking gifts between the 3 of us.
- Big gift is that tickets go on sale in morning for the Penguins/Stars hockey game on March 1 in Dallas. That's all Amanda wanted. We try to go when the Penguins are in Dallas. We'll make a weekend out of it.
- Still no job or job prospects.
- Finances suck.
- Steelers win, Steelers win.
- Cowboys really, really suck today. Hip, Hip, Horray!
- Need to clean closets while Amanda is home.
- Spare bedroom has turned into a giant walk-in closet since Amanda took bed to Waco. It really needs some organization.
- Tree will need to come down soon. :(
- It seems to take longer to pack it all back up til next year.
- We did take a Christmas pic.
- Christmas cards WILL go out this week. Thanks, Amanda.
- I feel whiny, but I guess that's what SSS is for, right?
- We are having Amanda's fav meal from her mom: Chicken & Dumplings
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas to one & all. We had a very small Christmas this year. But, it was great. The 3 of us just did stocking gifts for each other. Our big present is a group gift. All our 22 year old daughter wanted for Christmas is hockey tickets for the Penguins/Stars game in March. That is 3 tickets, a trip to Dallas for Mom & Dad, motel room, food, etc. Tickets don't even go on sale until Monday!
Yesterday Ted & Amanda did their annual pierogy making thing. They have been doing this little process for almost 10 years. I just watch. They have it down. Dad rolls out the dough & cuts the dough. Amanda plops the potato/cheese mixture in the middle & crimps the edges. They she plops them in the boiling water. Then we have fish, pierogies, and veggies for dinner. It's kind of a Polish thing. I love pierogies; could eat them all the time. Store bought ones just aren't the same. I found a website for a company in New England that makes them & ships them fresh. Mmmmm.
Today we are making ham, potato casserole, hot fruit compote, and veggies for dinner. Can't wait! Oh, and I made a chocolate chess pie. Haven't made it in a long time. It was chocolaty good! With fresh whipped cream. Mmmmmm. Short & sweet today.
Yesterday Ted & Amanda did their annual pierogy making thing. They have been doing this little process for almost 10 years. I just watch. They have it down. Dad rolls out the dough & cuts the dough. Amanda plops the potato/cheese mixture in the middle & crimps the edges. They she plops them in the boiling water. Then we have fish, pierogies, and veggies for dinner. It's kind of a Polish thing. I love pierogies; could eat them all the time. Store bought ones just aren't the same. I found a website for a company in New England that makes them & ships them fresh. Mmmmm.
Today we are making ham, potato casserole, hot fruit compote, and veggies for dinner. Can't wait! Oh, and I made a chocolate chess pie. Haven't made it in a long time. It was chocolaty good! With fresh whipped cream. Mmmmmm. Short & sweet today.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Positive Post Tuesday
I attempted this once today and the flashing cursor gave way to the screensaver. Why is it some days are harder than others to think of something to say. Then I read someone's PPT about humility, although the word was never mentioned, it sure sounded like a lesson in being humble.
It's hard for an addict to be humble, even harder as a recovering addict. You have to relearn those things that took up residence in the back of your brain, along with a lot of other ethical things I was raised with. (I know, don't end a sentence with a preposition). When I first got clean, I couldn't just say thank-you. I was stubborn about people helping me. I snapped at people helping me. I could not see that it was just help. That person didn't want anything in return. They were just being gracious. I felt I had to explain my life story with every thank-you. It's still hard, but easier than it was 18 months ago.
It feels good to help someone again. I never want anything back. Sometimes don't see the end result of my help. I never know what I may have said in a meeting that someone actually listened to & used. I just know that it does happen, because it's happened to me. I may not use the advice today or even tomorrow, but I have it somewhere a little closer to the front of my brain function. It's no longer filed away, clouded by drugs, clouded by guilt & shame. It feels soooo good to give back and not expect something in return.
I have a friend who went to prison for vehicular manslaughter. It happened Fall '07. He never one time talked about it (afraid we could be called to testify later), never complained, and has lived his recovery 1 day at a time since March '08. He is 23 years old. He got 5 years in prison & will be eligible for parole in 2 & 1/2. Tonight at an Aftercare program at the out-patient treatment center we all went thru, we had a Christmas party. He was just sentenced in November and was moved yesterday from county jail to the state's intake center. His thoughts were of all of us. He had sent a 3 page letter to our counselor. I'm getting teary-eyed again! This kid is so full of life and has so much left to give back. He said recovery goes on in prison; albeit a little differently. His girlfriend & his dad came tonight, too. I actually knew what had happened, but didn't know when the case would be heard, etc., but he still never let on. He came to Aftercare, as usual on the 1st Tuesday night in November, and on Thursday, he was sentenced. I knew he hung on for a little longer with his hug that night! I stare at my stationery the same way I did this post. What to say. What advice to give that doesn't sound wrong. I feel bad I haven't written him. I was one of 4 people he mentioned by name in his letter. That makes me feel more guilty. He sounded so upbeat, so I know his Higher Power (who he chooses to call "dude") will keep him centered. I have to remember that any mail is probably great, even if I ramble.
As I am doing now! I think I'll rumble on to bed. This didn't really go where I thought it would, but it very rarely does!
It's hard for an addict to be humble, even harder as a recovering addict. You have to relearn those things that took up residence in the back of your brain, along with a lot of other ethical things I was raised with. (I know, don't end a sentence with a preposition). When I first got clean, I couldn't just say thank-you. I was stubborn about people helping me. I snapped at people helping me. I could not see that it was just help. That person didn't want anything in return. They were just being gracious. I felt I had to explain my life story with every thank-you. It's still hard, but easier than it was 18 months ago.
It feels good to help someone again. I never want anything back. Sometimes don't see the end result of my help. I never know what I may have said in a meeting that someone actually listened to & used. I just know that it does happen, because it's happened to me. I may not use the advice today or even tomorrow, but I have it somewhere a little closer to the front of my brain function. It's no longer filed away, clouded by drugs, clouded by guilt & shame. It feels soooo good to give back and not expect something in return.
I have a friend who went to prison for vehicular manslaughter. It happened Fall '07. He never one time talked about it (afraid we could be called to testify later), never complained, and has lived his recovery 1 day at a time since March '08. He is 23 years old. He got 5 years in prison & will be eligible for parole in 2 & 1/2. Tonight at an Aftercare program at the out-patient treatment center we all went thru, we had a Christmas party. He was just sentenced in November and was moved yesterday from county jail to the state's intake center. His thoughts were of all of us. He had sent a 3 page letter to our counselor. I'm getting teary-eyed again! This kid is so full of life and has so much left to give back. He said recovery goes on in prison; albeit a little differently. His girlfriend & his dad came tonight, too. I actually knew what had happened, but didn't know when the case would be heard, etc., but he still never let on. He came to Aftercare, as usual on the 1st Tuesday night in November, and on Thursday, he was sentenced. I knew he hung on for a little longer with his hug that night! I stare at my stationery the same way I did this post. What to say. What advice to give that doesn't sound wrong. I feel bad I haven't written him. I was one of 4 people he mentioned by name in his letter. That makes me feel more guilty. He sounded so upbeat, so I know his Higher Power (who he chooses to call "dude") will keep him centered. I have to remember that any mail is probably great, even if I ramble.
As I am doing now! I think I'll rumble on to bed. This didn't really go where I thought it would, but it very rarely does!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Ramblings
Really don't have a lot. Been a long week. Still no job prospects, but I know God will provide. I went thru treatment, not only because I was kinda forced into it, but because God had a new chapter for me to work on in the Life thing. It's hard to think sometimes that stealing from an employer would turn into something awesome. Losing your spiritual side really does happen in slow motion. At least for me it did. 18 months ago I was really angry at everyone around me. I certainly wasn't responsible for my actions. But, I was. It just took a little shake-up to return me to the sane world. A world where God was STILL there. How dumb to forget that He never left or abandoned me. It was exactly the opposite. It is such a warm feeling to feel His arms around me again and to know that this is all a part of a divine plan. I just don't know the whole plan. Wouldn't be able to learn if I had all the answers. Christmas is making me feel a little blue, but I must remember the "reason for the season".
On a lighter note, the wedding I went to Waco for was a beautiful ceremony. My daughter looked amazing. Of course, so did the bride! Getting there was a battle. While many flights the last 2 days have been cancelled due to snow & blizzard conditions, the problem on Thursday was FOG. My husband dropped me at airport in Amarillo at 6:30am for a 7:15 flight to Dallas. Then on to Waco by 11. Spend the afternoon with my daughter before she headed off to the rehearsal stuff. Oh, no. Because of fog flight didn't board til 10:15. Didn't leave til 11. Didn't land at DFW. Did fly back west to Abilene to refuel, along with larger jets and others. Actually before I left Amarillo there were flights being diverted here to refuel. Finally landed at DFW at 3:15. 2 flights to Waco cancelled. Finally got on last flight & into Waco at 9:30pm. 15 hours & I was having really bad spasms.
Stayed up & visited. Boy, was Amanda's bed comfy! Got up & visited some more. Then she left for bridesmaid lunch & pics. Wedding at 6. Left me her car keys. Had lunch & came back to change for wedding. Two of her best friends, who have known & dated each other for longer than college, said "I do". The look on the faces & in their eyes was so exciting. It's great when you can marry your best friend & finally call them husband or wife. My daughter cried. They are now on the beach in Antigua! Should make us all a little jealous!
Drove home yesterday (Sat). About 6 & 1/2 hour drive. Only got tired of Amanda's ipod when she decided T.I. was called for. The whole 3rd album. No more shuffle so we heard dif artists! Well, she was the driver. Solution. Get out the headphones & my own ipod! 'cept I got in trouble for singing along with my tunes! It really did go by fast. Now she's home for 3 weeks. Cleaning closets is on tap. She doesn't know that yet.
Told you at the beginning this would ramble. Thanks for your support!
On a lighter note, the wedding I went to Waco for was a beautiful ceremony. My daughter looked amazing. Of course, so did the bride! Getting there was a battle. While many flights the last 2 days have been cancelled due to snow & blizzard conditions, the problem on Thursday was FOG. My husband dropped me at airport in Amarillo at 6:30am for a 7:15 flight to Dallas. Then on to Waco by 11. Spend the afternoon with my daughter before she headed off to the rehearsal stuff. Oh, no. Because of fog flight didn't board til 10:15. Didn't leave til 11. Didn't land at DFW. Did fly back west to Abilene to refuel, along with larger jets and others. Actually before I left Amarillo there were flights being diverted here to refuel. Finally landed at DFW at 3:15. 2 flights to Waco cancelled. Finally got on last flight & into Waco at 9:30pm. 15 hours & I was having really bad spasms.
Stayed up & visited. Boy, was Amanda's bed comfy! Got up & visited some more. Then she left for bridesmaid lunch & pics. Wedding at 6. Left me her car keys. Had lunch & came back to change for wedding. Two of her best friends, who have known & dated each other for longer than college, said "I do". The look on the faces & in their eyes was so exciting. It's great when you can marry your best friend & finally call them husband or wife. My daughter cried. They are now on the beach in Antigua! Should make us all a little jealous!
Drove home yesterday (Sat). About 6 & 1/2 hour drive. Only got tired of Amanda's ipod when she decided T.I. was called for. The whole 3rd album. No more shuffle so we heard dif artists! Well, she was the driver. Solution. Get out the headphones & my own ipod! 'cept I got in trouble for singing along with my tunes! It really did go by fast. Now she's home for 3 weeks. Cleaning closets is on tap. She doesn't know that yet.
Told you at the beginning this would ramble. Thanks for your support!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Positive Post Tuesday
Just bought Straight No Chaser's (SNC) "Holiday Spirirts" on itunes. They are so soothing. The sound of a cappella is like no other. They formed in college and thought they were pretty much done with music. They came back together for a reunion. One of the 10 members posted videos of their college performances on you tube & well, the rest is history. Over 9 million hits and counting! Their "12 days of Christmas" is unlike any "12 days" I've ever heard. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Fe11OlMiz8&feature=related Check it out along with numerous other clips. None have quit their day jobs yet, but they sure are staying busy with concert dates.
The positive part is their voices make me happy, on days I don't feel that way. I really need to find a job. Am just short of stir-crazy. Anyone hiring recovering addict pharmacists? Therein lies the rub. I have proven to myself that I can go back to that environment and work without the desire for narcotics. That, too, is positive. The treatment and continuation of recovery with the help of a 12 step program and a wonderful sponsor, I am living life on life's terms. Like it or not. Job or not. I know that God has my back and will provide what I need. That's a super-positive thing.
Short PPT, but I did it again.
The positive part is their voices make me happy, on days I don't feel that way. I really need to find a job. Am just short of stir-crazy. Anyone hiring recovering addict pharmacists? Therein lies the rub. I have proven to myself that I can go back to that environment and work without the desire for narcotics. That, too, is positive. The treatment and continuation of recovery with the help of a 12 step program and a wonderful sponsor, I am living life on life's terms. Like it or not. Job or not. I know that God has my back and will provide what I need. That's a super-positive thing.
Short PPT, but I did it again.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Decorated for Christmas
It is less than 2 weeks until Christmas! I'm trying to stay upbeat, but being out of work stinks at this time of year. I have so much to be thankful for, though. I have a roof over my head, a wonderful family, and the house looks like Christmas. I love snowmen, so many of my ornaments are snowmen. The whole tree is now decorated with only Christopher Radko ornaments. My husband & daughter bought the 1st two about 10 years ago. Even the topper is CR. I also hang the Wallace Silver bells each year. I'm sure it would embarrass Amanda if I still put her grade school projects on the tree! They are tucked away.
Not sure yet if there is a white Christmas on the way. Next week snow is forecast Monday til Thursday morning. Just as long as I can get out of here on Thursday morning to fly to Waco. Amanda's friends wedding is Friday! 6 days. Can hardly wait to see the bridesmaid dress and the bride's dress. Amanda helped the bride with both. They shopped til they dropped! An evening wedding at Christmas.
Then Amanda will have a co-pilot for the trip back to Amarillo. She's 22 now, do you think it's time for a few of those mother-daughter talks?
Some days she seems so grown up and ready for graduation in May. Some days I get a call saying "I don't want to grow up"! I told her it's kind of late. 22 is grown up. It's the stress of job hunting. It's worrying if her resume stacks up. It's worrying about her GPA. She does have an advantage over me at that age. She's already lived off campus for 3 years now. Paying her own rent and other bills. She's got stuff in her name. I didn't have that advantage.
She called me yesterday. "Mom, so & so's brother graduates high school in May". (something I already knew). I told her that he didn't seem so much younger than her anymore. When the girls were 16, those little brothers seems so immature & young! My how a few years changes all that. My baby is having growing pains.
Had to show off my handiwork. I love to cross-stitch. I started the stocking when she was born and finished before her 1st Christmas. The Advent calendar took a lot longer. I started it after the stocking. Finished the bottom half before her 2nd Christmas, then worked on the top half. It was done by the next Christmas.
My prayer is that these stay with her wherever God puts her. What great stuff to pass on. It's not just the advice now, it's the family traditions we have developed over time. That is what is precious. These are treasures. Things I never really had as a child. I have good memories from when I was little, but as my family struggled during my teen years, those were distant memories. It's hard to think of this year that way, but sometimes my expectations are too high.This will really be her last long stay at home. I need to make it special. We need to clean out her closets. (yes, she has two). She needs to decide what to keep, what to give away, and what is trash. So much has collected over 22 years. 20 in the same house! We have outgrown our house with "stuff". My husband thinks I'm the pack rat, but I think he must close his eyes when he steps in the garage! Ha!
Anyway, I'm getting mopey writing some of this. Cutting those apron strings, one at a time, is getting harder! Each time she comes home & leaves, those strings don't seem to reach as far. Enjoy every minute with your kids. Always.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Positive Post Tuesday
I'm sitting here taking the Brody Harper challenge. Is it Tuesday already? Have been listened to Jon & Sherry Rivers on Klove. They are celebrating their 19th anniversary. Jon played SCC's "I Will be Here", reminding Sherry they listened to it the 1st time they went out.
Hadn't heard that song in a really long time. I am so thankful for that reminder today. Being unemployed & worrying about financial things is such a human thing. Not that I should slack on paying bills, but give it up to the One is always here. God speaks to us in such a human way. Through a simple song that "just happened" to play. Through the words of someone "just happened" to share in a 12-step meeting. Through the page of the Bible I "just happened" to open. Through the verses a dying woman "just happened" to pick out to have read at her funeral.
NOTHING "just happens". God is so great. He opened up an awesome forum for people from all over during an awesome streaming concert. He brought even more friends into my life for a reason. I was supposed to be at the MM concert that night & hear Bart say we on streaming online. I was supposed to remember the next night. Never had I been part of a chat room. I'm not very computer savvy. God brought us all together for a reason. To share our lives, to encourage each other, and to hopefully touch someone else thru the words God has us type. Now that is AWESOME & positive. Even those that got on with the intention of being complete jerks. We didn't act like jerks back. It was kind of funny. They just said let's move on. And they did. But, not before they got an earful of great music & the words of a wonderful band of worshippers. Now that is positive.
Hadn't heard that song in a really long time. I am so thankful for that reminder today. Being unemployed & worrying about financial things is such a human thing. Not that I should slack on paying bills, but give it up to the One is always here. God speaks to us in such a human way. Through a simple song that "just happened" to play. Through the words of someone "just happened" to share in a 12-step meeting. Through the page of the Bible I "just happened" to open. Through the verses a dying woman "just happened" to pick out to have read at her funeral.
NOTHING "just happens". God is so great. He opened up an awesome forum for people from all over during an awesome streaming concert. He brought even more friends into my life for a reason. I was supposed to be at the MM concert that night & hear Bart say we on streaming online. I was supposed to remember the next night. Never had I been part of a chat room. I'm not very computer savvy. God brought us all together for a reason. To share our lives, to encourage each other, and to hopefully touch someone else thru the words God has us type. Now that is AWESOME & positive. Even those that got on with the intention of being complete jerks. We didn't act like jerks back. It was kind of funny. They just said let's move on. And they did. But, not before they got an earful of great music & the words of a wonderful band of worshippers. Now that is positive.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Living Life
Have been reflective the past few days. A friend who had cancer won her battle to get into heaven on Thursday, Dec 4, 2008. 37 years old, wife, mother, sister, daughter. Gave so much of herself & asked for nothing in return. She took time to reach out to others even in death. Her service was all her. The verses, the songs, the celebration of life, both here and in heaven. Courageous all thru her battle. I didn't know her well, but what she had to say at the funeral gave me pause.
What have I done with my life? Have I left any kind of footprint? What will I be remembered for? Sounds like a pity party! Everyone is invited! My life has taken such a dramatic turn in the past 2 years. I did things I am so ashamed of. But, you know what? God has had my back the whole time. Kinda like closing your eyes and falling back into that group of people who are supposed to catch you. Remember that little exercise in trust & faith? How hard it is sometimes to remember that! In addiction, self-run is the only way to live! Ego is the only way to make decisions. How stupid that all seems. Recovery is so hard, but so simple. It all comes down to the battle of my own self-will and God's. It seems so simple to just say "take my will & my life" each day, but to then take that first step of the day with God in the drivers seat is hard sometimes.
When some tragedy occurs, whether it be an illness, a death, financial disaster. It is hard to find that "silver lining". But, it's there. And only when God decides it's time to reveal that "silver lining" will I know the reason the tragedy occurred. If Rachel's celebration of life service touched my heart, I'm sure it touched others. There were hundreds of people at that service. To see the vast numbers of people (adults & children) whose lives she touched in life was overwhelming!
My life tragedies are ego-made. (I think I just made that word up). Now, it's up to me to continue doing the next right thing all day long. Having that faith that sometimes seems to be elusive. I have to stop & listen for direction. I cannot pick it on my own. When I do, my path gets a little crooked. I need to remember that God has my back, even when I go a little crooked. Learning from these little detours is somehow part of God's plan. Again, back to that listening thing. I don't want to listen & hear my own voice arguing with God! But, isn't that sometimes the way? "Be still & know that I am God".
I do want my life to be more than a blip. I want people to remember me for what I'm doing with my life now, not when I took too many pain pills & muscle relaxants. I am a child of God and He has brought me to this point for a reason. I want to make a difference. In my life, in a suffering addict's life, in my husband's life, in my daughter's life.
My sponsor just sent me her quote of the day. "If instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into heart of a friend, that would be giving as the angels give" George MacDonald. WOW. God continues to put things in order for me. This is what I'm saying. It doesn't have to be a material gift, but a heavenly gift. That is so perfect! Living each day as God would have me live it. Touching a person with how I live my life in recovery. Reaching that "still suffering" addict. I've seen it. I've been a part of it. But, you know what? I also know that I may not always see the results of my words. And that's ok. I used to need that pat on the back, but now? Nah. Well, maybe once in a while! Well all need a boost in self-esteem sometimes.
What a way to ramble. This little blog has given me a different kind of freedom. I have said before I hate writing, but typing is somehow easier. I still ramble, but it helps to unramble sometimes. Get all those tangled-up thoughts out of my head! Praise God for introducing me to blogging & bloggers.
What have I done with my life? Have I left any kind of footprint? What will I be remembered for? Sounds like a pity party! Everyone is invited! My life has taken such a dramatic turn in the past 2 years. I did things I am so ashamed of. But, you know what? God has had my back the whole time. Kinda like closing your eyes and falling back into that group of people who are supposed to catch you. Remember that little exercise in trust & faith? How hard it is sometimes to remember that! In addiction, self-run is the only way to live! Ego is the only way to make decisions. How stupid that all seems. Recovery is so hard, but so simple. It all comes down to the battle of my own self-will and God's. It seems so simple to just say "take my will & my life" each day, but to then take that first step of the day with God in the drivers seat is hard sometimes.
When some tragedy occurs, whether it be an illness, a death, financial disaster. It is hard to find that "silver lining". But, it's there. And only when God decides it's time to reveal that "silver lining" will I know the reason the tragedy occurred. If Rachel's celebration of life service touched my heart, I'm sure it touched others. There were hundreds of people at that service. To see the vast numbers of people (adults & children) whose lives she touched in life was overwhelming!
My life tragedies are ego-made. (I think I just made that word up). Now, it's up to me to continue doing the next right thing all day long. Having that faith that sometimes seems to be elusive. I have to stop & listen for direction. I cannot pick it on my own. When I do, my path gets a little crooked. I need to remember that God has my back, even when I go a little crooked. Learning from these little detours is somehow part of God's plan. Again, back to that listening thing. I don't want to listen & hear my own voice arguing with God! But, isn't that sometimes the way? "Be still & know that I am God".
I do want my life to be more than a blip. I want people to remember me for what I'm doing with my life now, not when I took too many pain pills & muscle relaxants. I am a child of God and He has brought me to this point for a reason. I want to make a difference. In my life, in a suffering addict's life, in my husband's life, in my daughter's life.
My sponsor just sent me her quote of the day. "If instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into heart of a friend, that would be giving as the angels give" George MacDonald. WOW. God continues to put things in order for me. This is what I'm saying. It doesn't have to be a material gift, but a heavenly gift. That is so perfect! Living each day as God would have me live it. Touching a person with how I live my life in recovery. Reaching that "still suffering" addict. I've seen it. I've been a part of it. But, you know what? I also know that I may not always see the results of my words. And that's ok. I used to need that pat on the back, but now? Nah. Well, maybe once in a while! Well all need a boost in self-esteem sometimes.
What a way to ramble. This little blog has given me a different kind of freedom. I have said before I hate writing, but typing is somehow easier. I still ramble, but it helps to unramble sometimes. Get all those tangled-up thoughts out of my head! Praise God for introducing me to blogging & bloggers.
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