Living Life on Life's Terms

Moving

2010-05-05T16:32:00.002-07:00

I'm moving to wordpress.com (the free wordpress). I'm going to be moving stuff around, so consider the new blog a "work in progress"!

http://baylormum.wordpress.com/

Positive Post Tuesday

2010-04-06T17:17:00.000-07:00

This was me. May 1975. Graduating from Alliance High School. Alliance, NE. Wow! 35 years ago. I was always the "goody-two-shoes". Never did the keggars. Nor the pot parties. None of it. Didn't interest me. I stayed busy with things like drama, band, UIL-type stuff, and watching my 2 younger brothers.

So who would have guessed that you are looking 30 years down the road & finding this girl addicted to pain killers & muscle relaxants? Yup, that's me. Addict-girl. And thankfully in recovery! Today I celebrate with 1000 days! One of the first people to greet me some 2 1/2+ years ago was a guy who was close to 1000 days. I remember counting them down with him. And how awesome, yet far away that seemed. And I am there. Praying that someone else in the rooms where I share my recovery hears my story. Hears my recovery. Sees my recovery in action. Gets excited that someone has reached 1000 days!

Some 3 years ago, I was in talks with my licensing board about penalties & help. I was also preparing for my third back surgery (yes, third). I was devastated that I was looking at treatment after I healed from surgery. What would it entail? What would the stigma be like? I was so ashamed of my behavior!

Although this is not a very good picture (last minute phone pic) this is who helped me turn my life around. Charlie M. He ran the IOP (Intensive Out-patient Treatment) I went to for treatment. 4 nights a week for 5 weeks. Unless you don't do your homework & then maybe longer! I graduated on time! Whew!

I went in to this treatment thing an angry woman. Had only negativity going on. I hated everyone for what they had done to me! Talk about not taking responsibility for my actions! Charlie is a gentle giant full of recovery. And lots of patience. He actually told me some time later that on that 1st night, he figured me for someone who would do only the minimum requirements for my licensing board & then I would be done. I didn't set out to prove him, or anyone else, that I could do more. God just laid on my heart that I needed to be a beacon of hope for others. I love my 12 step program! Not only for my 1000 days of recovery, but for my renewed belief and love for God. He was really the one who brought me through. I give Him all the praise.

It has been an amazing journey. Just one day at a time. No more. And tomorrow, God willing, I will have 1001 days.

My Mom

2010-03-28T07:56:00.000-07:00

My Mother, Jacqueline Lucille (Jones) Schroeder, was born on February 6, 1930 to Marian & Kenneth Jones. She grew up in Milwaukee & SW IA. She graduated from Mt Sinai School of Nursing in Milwaukee in January 1952 and was in SW IA for a visit when she went to a dance & my Dad, a 6'8" gentleman named Bud, asked her if she could dance. "A little" she replied. I've hear my Dad repeat that story many times over the past 10 days. They married in February 1953 in Virginia Beach, where Dad was stationed in the Army.
They returned to SW IA to live & farm. I was adopted in 1957. My brother, Jason, in 1960. Then in 1969, years after being told they could not have children, Tim was born! We lived in SW IA until I was 15, then lived in Western NB until I was 18. Then to MS where Dad took a new job. Then to Dumas, the year before I graduated Pharmacy School. They retired in 1992 and moved to the Hill Country of TX.

Mom & Dad traveled extensively, mostly via RV, but did take a couple of cruises. One to Alaska and one to Europe. They made many, many friends along the way. That has been evident in the past 2 weeks. More friends than my Dad can even thank. Many he doesn't know. Mom played in 2 or 3 Bridge clubs, painted china, and recently took on learning My Juong (sp?). I have made many phone calls to these people these past few days and the response was always the same. Shock at her sudden illness & then stories of how Mom had impacted their life.
Mom left this world on March 17, 2010, at home, with her family by her side. Mom wanted to be cremated and have no funeral. So, Dad decided the heck with the funeral, so we held a celebration of life. It was a wonderful service. The church was full. My brother, Tim, is in law enforcement and there were 20+ officers in attendance, all in full uniform. My dad was in awe of all the well wishers. People he had never met, but told him stories of how Jacquie had impacted their life.
We have heard stories from Dad, too. Stories we hadn't heard before. It has been a great time of getting to know each other again. We kids & our families. Time apart has made the bond even more strong. We haven't always gotten along, as kids or adults, but we pulled together these past 2 weeks. Helping dad sort through papers, pictures, and memories. Trying not to change too much too soon. I am glad my brothers live close by and their wives are beyond words!
Jacqueline Lucille Schroeder leaves behind, her husband of 57 years, Bud, her 3 children, Shellie & husband Ted, Jason & wife Kim, and Tim & wife Pam. A plethora of grandchildren, Amanda, Colette, & Heather, Nicole & Ashley, and Raine, Ashley, Garrett, Maegan, & Sydney. And great-grandchildren, Kate, Marissa, Michael, Cassandra, Stephen, & Matthew, and Cooper, who has a sister on the way!
Jacquie enjoyed every minute of her life and her friends. She was always on the go. We may not have been close the past 2 years, but the love has always been there. I felt it when she saw me in her hospital room 2 weeks ago yesterday. All the unsaid words in her eyes. I will treasure her last 3 days. I love you, Mom!

Family

2010-03-11T19:57:00.000-08:00

This picture is kind of old (think back almost 24 years). But, remember we moved & I'm tired & I don't know where more current pictures are! This was in a wedding day scrapbook. My mom is sitting, my brother, Tim, is behind her. My other brother, Jason, is behind Tim. Dad is the only guy still wearing his tux. Tim & Jason are such slackers.
As many of you know, my parents & I are estranged. For over a year now. Although my Dad did call on Christmas day this past year. Haven't spoken with my mother in over a year. Today is not a day to discuss details, for those resentments have been gone for a long time & it serves no purpose now anyway. In February my Mom turned 80 and they celebrated 57 years of marriage. In May my Dad will turn 80. Both are in fair health. Both my mom's parents died of stroke/cardiac problems. My uncle (her brother) died young of a heart attack. Not a good history.
Last night during dinner, my mother suffered a massive stroke. So bad, the volunteer ambulance people called in the Medivac. She told my sister-in-law that her fingers felt tingly & my SIL said give the phone back to my brother (who was at my parents). She was slurring her words & my brother called 911. She was flown to a heart hospital in Austin. Didn't meet criteria for clot buster.
She had regained some of her motor skills before the helicopter ever took off, but her BP was not coming down. At the hospital her right side became immobile & her speech was not understandable. Amanda met my Dad & brother at the hospital. She was there until 2:30 this morning & back up there at 11 this morning. She said G'ma was startled she was there. If you are estranged, then so are the children. My other brother has also been estranged, but for more like 3 years. They were all there today. I will be there Saturday.
I am flying out in the morning, but it will be 10:45 before I get to Austin, so it will be Saturday before I get to the hospital.
My grandmother had a stroke & my mother cared for her at home for just over a year. It took a toll on her & my dad. From then on, we knew she wanted no heroic measures. No feeding tube, no vent. Been there, done that. She is not swallowing or speaking. Amanda did say there was a small response of foot movement. She is extremely ticklish on the bottom of her feet & she responded to that. She is awake & aware of her surroundings. Amanda said they finally had to turn the monitor away because she was craning her neck to see if her BP was coming down. That's a retired RN for you! There is talk of hospice care at home. My sweet RN SIL is staying with her tonight & my other SIL is finally leaving for first time in over 24 hours.
Will update as I can....

Stats Suck Sunday

2010-02-07T07:00:00.001-08:00

The guy in the middle had a birthday yesterday. Jason turned 50 yesterday. 50!!! Finally I'm no longer alone in this decade. The guy on the left is the baby. Tim. He turned 40 on his last birthday. First, it's amazing that either one is still alive. We haven't been the closet of brothers & sister. The age difference had a lot to do with that. Tim was an "only" child through middle and high school. Time has finally mended a lot. And now I'm 2000 miles away from them. God teaches us things sometimes by knocking us over the head. I still have a goose egg sized bump on my head!!
On to Sunday in bullet points:

Haven't turned in a post in a month.
It was also my mother's birthday yesterday. 80. No way! We are somewhat estranged, so no recent pics.
Finished my 7 hour HIV/AIDs online course and passed. It is one of the requirements for license reciprocity. Now to come up with the other $500 for the law exam & App fee.
Had a Kelly (race) moment this past week. Will have to post soon. Still gathering my thoughts on this interesting revelation.
Am in the process of changing sponsors. The one I chose when I moved here hasn't been available. At all. Kind of sad. Thought she was going to be a great choice. I don't think I really prayed about it. Or didn't listen when I should have....
Am looking at the Roadshow's schedule for this Spring. Spokane or Tacoma (Seattle). Hmmm.
My sister-in-law is snowed in. She lives in Pittsburgh. And has no electricity. Boo.
Ted goes to Seattle for a conference on Thursday. Doesn't come back until Sunday. Boo.
Amanda is helping her roommate, Allison, start a non-profit organization. Allison's mother died of cancer in January 2009 and one of her prayers was to be able to help other cancer patients who have no insurance. Amanda helped design the website & get it up & running. They were approved this week for the 501(c)3. Now they have to do a little redesign to meet the government's regs. But, check out what they've already got up: http://www.womenofselah.org/
I got my copy of the cookbook for sale on the website. It has a ton of easy recipes. What a great idea for Mother's Day or a birthday. They've already had to order more! And they are doing a Valentine's daycare for parents on Sunday. They have 61 kids already! Such a blessing.

This is going to be a great week.

Stats Suck Sunday

2010-01-10T16:16:00.000-08:00

It isn't sunny, but we did get a great picture today at the place where we ate brunch today. Thanks to the staff member who volunteered to take it & she even knew where we should stand for best background! She had done this a time or two!

Amanda arrived over an hour late Friday night (Sat morning). With the time change, she had been up a really long time. Got back to our house about 2AM. Past everyone's bedtime.
Still glad we flew her to a closer airport because we couldn't have gotten back from Seattle without snow tires.
Had a wonderful brunch at The Cave B Winery & Estates at Sagecliffe. The restaurant on property, Tendrils, is open to the public. I do believe we will go back. The menu changes daily.
Yesterday, we drove up to Leavenworth. This is a mountain town that is like a Bavarian village. Ted & I visited here back in November. Ate a wonderful lunch where schnitzel was on the menu! And spaetzle & red cabbage.
Had no luck finding a new ski jacket or boots for Amanda. In a ski town. Go figure!
There really wasn't time for Ted & Amanda to make pierogies, so we ate the ones Ted froze Christmas Eve. They were excellent, of course!
Tomorrow on the menu is one of Amanda's all time favorites. Mom's Chicken & Dumplings. There is one more outdoor store we will hit in the pursuit of boots. Maybe a mom & daughter pedicure.
Snow also in forecast for tomorrow. Amanda is excited! Tuesday morning will come too quick.

It has been a nice weekend. And I am very full. Still!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-01-06T09:17:00.001-08:00

The week before our move.....

Stats Suck Sunday

2010-01-03T18:12:00.004-08:00

It's Sunday again. Where did the time go???? Following the lead of the guy who hasn't done a SSS in, well, a really long, I will do bullet points.

Amanda comes to the State of Washington for the first time ever on Friday!!
I'm gonna guess she isn't going to like my choice of pictures. I could put up a cute baby bath-time one, Amanda!! :)
Ted & I will be making our first trip West to Seattle to pick her up. Hope the pass in the Cascades will travel over will not give us any trouble. (Snoqualmie Pass)
We have 3 days to fill. Ted is taking off Friday & Tuesday (the day we go back to Seattle to take her to the airport).
Saturday she wants to ski jacket & boot shopping. Gee, 2 ski towns. Wonder what we will find! Sales, I hope!
Taking her to Leavenworth. The German-like town Ted & I visited a few weeks back. I'm hungry for a braut. They have them on every menu there! And a couple of ski shops, too!
Sunday, we are hoping to go here for brunch. Not sure if they are open for brunch in the winter. I'm calling tomorrow. Cave B Winery is on the property for The Gorge amphitheater. You know, where CreationFest is held. And Dave Matthews plays EVERY Labor Day weekend for all 3 days.
Monday? Not sure. Will depend on the weather & what we find or don't find on Saturday. Then Tuesday back to Seattle.
I know I'm getting excited. And so is she. She says so on her long, lost blog!
Many of you have seen my countdown on facebook for the past 10 days or so! :)
70% chance of snow after midnight & all day tomorrow. Don't need my schedule messed with this week! Don't want to have to fit meetings in while Amanda is here.
Had a good day today at Area. Am slowly easing back in to Service work. It is so important in recovery to stay up with what's going on around me. With other groups & other members.
I don't know about you, but I'm also getting anxious for the Rock and Worship Roadshow dates to appear!! I'm pretty sure they are doing both Spokane & Seattle again this year. We'll see. (soon I hope)

Have a blessed week, my friends. Will try to get a few pics next weekend.

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-12-27T19:04:00.002-08:00

Last SSS for 2009. So I decided to show off one of my new Radko ornaments to celebrate. Had to send away to Texas to get it. The closest place here was out of them. The little gold sparkly thing with colored balls right below Snowtime '09 was what I used instead of garland. They are little sticks & there are 2 dozen of them stuck all over the tree.
Back to the SSS!

I made it through the weekend without crying! I've never had such a "small" Christmas. Just the 2 of us.
Ted had to break in a new trainee for pierogie making this year! We made a pretty good team, but I think Amanda & Ted are better at it! She comes in 12 days and wants to do it, too. Dad just wants her to relax. We'll just have to see who wins out!
The pierogies were great! Had some great Cod filets and fresh green beans. I made Chocolate Chess pie for dessert. Yum.
Christmas Day Ted made a prime rib roast & mashed potatoes. I made broccoli souffle. Again. Yum.
Went to see Avatar. It was pretty good. I saw Medicine Man meeting Lord of the Rings. It's been interesting to see other people try to describe it.
Steelers won on another poor performance. Not looking like the Super Bowl 20o9 Champs. At all. So little change in team dynamics, so where is last season's team?
Found out I don't qualify for any help with my licensing fees from unemployment. Beats me. Seems if I'm still on unemployment after a year & I'm not working & they need pharmacists, they would want me OFF unemployment & in the workforce.
Amanda LOVED her quilt and her Santa care package! She was glad Santa knew enough to use the USPS to deliver some of his gifts!
Have I mentioned she's coming to visit for 3 1/2 days in 12 days? Praying for great weather. Meaning I want the passes to be clear between here & Seattle!

It was a hard week, but God kept my spirit full & content. I'm so blessed to have found such a great network of friends over the past year!

Stats Suck Sunday, but not really

2009-12-20T18:01:00.012-08:00

So the scanner & I aren't the best of friends yet, so these pics are not the size I wanted. Maybe Amanda can give me pointers when she comes in 3 weeks! Anyway. A lady the worked with Ted at the hospital is an awesome, awesome seamstress. We saved every t-shirt over some 20 years. Places we visited. Places we played club volleyball. Colleges mom, dad, & Grandpa Kubicki went to. 5 leaf-sized garbage bags full. Literally, the night before the movers came, I was scrambling to pick shirts that were a good representation.
Today she opened the Christmas gift at my brother's. My SIL said no tears were shed, but the memories each shirt hold, made her catch her breath. And this is just the front! The seamstress even enclosed a note about this labor of love! I wish we could have been there, but this year things are new. This first Christmas apart has really opened my eyes to what Ted had to have felt his first Christmas apart from Heather & Colette so many years ago. Wow. And he never complained. Not once in 23 years. I am so blessed. And now I have a sense of those feelings he felt. And that the girls felt. God is so darn sneaky on teaching us lessons. And sometimes many years down the road. One never knows when the answer to that prayer or lesson will come. Certainly not in my timeframe!! She had no idea Mom & Dad had sent gifts for her to open today. Plus a mystery box. No-peeking-until-Christmas box. Hmmm. :D
And this is the back. The seamstress sent us these pics a couple of weeks ago so we could see it. We hadn't noticed, but she put the colleges on one side & mostly grade school & high school on the other. Observant child! Now she's going to pack it to bring with her in 3 weeks. Silly girl!
My SIL said is was made really well with a heavier, almost canvas like material. And then pieced together. I am amazed at the result. So many trips. So much history. Lots of sports. From Pirate baseball to Steeler football. From Penguin hockey to Penn State Nittany Lions. From the Steel Phantom coaster at Kennywood to In-n-out burgers. And, of course, "once a Sandie, always a Sandie". For her High School, the Amarillo Sandstorm, class of '05. It is a great work of art from a gifted woman. To another gifted woman.
I will post a picture of my counted-cross stitch tree skirt that she also finished for me. I did all the cross-stitching. She made it into a tree skirt. That's for later in the week. If I ever see the sun again, I will do a post on my ornament collection. After all I told Lisa I would! Just hasn't been good enough lighting to take pictures to capture their true artistry.
Hope I didn't get too sentimental. But, I just had to share it with you all.
Did I mention the STEELERS actually won today? After 5 losses in a row. With 3 seconds left. And the point after with time expired. Only 34 yards rushing, but 500+ yards passing. Most in some 2 years in the NFL.

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-12-13T18:12:00.003-08:00

Today is Sunday & I haven't done a post in 2 weeks. I've been thinking a lot about this blog. I'm not doing what I wanted to when I started a year ago. I am seeing a new direction, but I need to pray for a little clearer vision. Or maybe I'm supposed to just take that step. But, it's Sunday, so keep it light, right?

We worked it out & Amanda is coming to visit on Jan 8th. 3 1/2 whole days. I'm excited. She's excited. Flying here on Alaska Airways & back on Southwest. Cheap. Both prices went down at least once before she booked. In a 3 day span. God was helping us watch our pennies.
I made the above stocking for Amanda's 2nd Christmas. I started it before her 1st, but didn't get it finished.
She has no idea, but it is filled & on the way to my brother's. She is going to spend next Sunday with them for a family Christmas. It's been several years since spending the Holiday with them. She'll have gifts from Mom & Dad to open. She doesn't know that, though. Stocking box is for Christmas morning.
Will post pics next week of the big item we had made for her. Just in case she comes to read this. Whoops! Guess if she does, she has no idea what!
She sent our gifts the other day. She & her roommate, Allison, did a joint card. 2 cute pics. One from move-in weekend, the other a professional shot. With Allison's little fur-ball, Sophie, who does not sit still!
I'm trying not to be lonely this Christmas. I do have so much to be thankful for. It's hard to give up traditions, though.
Amanda has already warned her dad that they will be making pierogies. In our small little kitchen. Just a couple of weeks late!

Been thinking a lot this week about winners. Winners in life. Winners in recovery. We are all winners when we are carrying the message of God's Son who came to us in a miraculous birth some 2000 years ago! Heard a great sermon this morning via streaming internet from Table Rock Fellowship in Medford, OR. Isaiah's vision of what the birth of Jesus will be like. How un-royal-like it will be. Even though He will be a Prince. The things the prophets of the Old Testament foretold never really clicked for me like this sermon did this morning. Awesome stuff.

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-11-29T09:18:00.003-08:00

I know it's been a while. What's up with me?

Took this yesterday. Turned out not so bad. At least from an old digital camera with few bells & whistles.
We drove 90 min west into the real beginning of the Cascades to a town called Leavenworth. It is all things Bavarian. From the McDonalds sign to the Wells Fargo sign.
Even people in some of the shops were dressed German style.
There are so many shops. Lots of people.
Even horse & carriage rides. (we didn't do that)!
We both had bratburgers. They were really good. So many food establishments. Many had traditional German fare. Yet, we could have chosen Mexican or Italian, too.
It was very foggy here when we left, but only partly cloudy up there. Not as much snow as I expected, but it's early. Heard a shopkeeper mention that the snow pattern has changed alot over the past 50 years. Not as much snowfall anymore. Not sure what "not as much" is.
Steelers play today with 3rd stringer, Dennis Dixon. Big Ben out with headaches from last weeks concussion. Charlie Batch broke his hand on the 1st play in for Ben. Don't feel a woo hoo coming on. :(
Ole Miss went down to MS State in the annual Egg Bowl. Baylor actually gave Tech a run for their money in Arlington at the new Cowboy Stadium. But, in the end....
Off to a PR gathering this afternoon. Helping to light a fire under some groups that seem to be struggling.
Oh, and time to try & put tree up. Ted finally has all the parts for the shelves we bought from a friend. So he's going to put those together in the garage & sort through what comes in for Christmas decorations.

Well, I'm off to get ready for my short road trip to Moses Lake. Everyone have a blessed day. :)

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-11-08T11:34:00.002-08:00

Another Sunday has zoomed in. A very long week.

Listening to Jars of Clay's "Redemption Songs". That kind of day.
Spent Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday mornings at SkillSource in Moses Lake. All to get a job "trainer". Hoping it will lead to financial help with app fees for reciprocity. SkillSource is separate from Unemployment and federally funded for retraining of people back to the workforce. Appt with trainer Thursday.
Applied for and got a WA license. Picture leaves a lot to be desired! Ha! Also got 1 vehicle registered.
Have enjoyed visiting with friends around the world while listening to the Mercyme fall tour with Tenth Ave North & Jonny Diaz. Fee played the 1st few venues, but had Passion commitments, so TAN joined up this week. Neat bunch of guys.
Stupid blogspot is messing with my font size today. Have to reset with every new bullet.
Made a chocolate cake yesterday. Had the layers cooling on the rack. Zipper from hoodie caught rack & when I turned? Yes, the cake hit my clean floor! Rescued most & repaired with frosting. But,I'm out of Wet Jet pads. Of course.
Still no snow this low, but am seeing a little more each day on the Cascades to the West. I know Amanda is itching to come visit.
Amanda starts a 2nd job with Gymboree. She loved working there in Waco. She quit only because it was interfering with school. She actually knows the lady who is manager at the store she will be at. She is hoping for a permanent, FT position. She loves the spa, but if she can get back into retail, I think she will enjoy it more.
Finally hung the last of the pictures. Still have a dishpack full of pics that didn't make the cut! Ted still needs to hang sports stuff in the hall bath & home "office".
I am still stuck on Step 4. All the resentments. Some seem too trivial to write down, but if I hang on to them, that part of me will not heal. So many "open cuts". Hanging on is adding salt to the wound! I don't want that. Ironic that "Hiding Place"is playing right now! Thanks, Dan (JOC lead singer). With God as my cushion, I will persevere. It's a soft place to land. Right in His arms. Thank goodness.

Have a blessed week. :)

SSS/PPT

2009-11-03T16:14:00.003-08:00

Since I haven't posted in a few days and it's my blog, I'm going to combine SSS & PPT. And the above pic can be for Wordless Wednesday! Thru my dirty windshield, way in the distance, about the center (looks like a cloud) is Mt Ranier with snow on top. Took my breath away & it's still way further west than I was on Sunday. God's Glory is all around us. Close or in the distance. No matter! These peaks are starting to "pop" with the snow on top. Wow!
Here's my past couple of days in bullets:

Went west to Ellensburg, Wa Sunday for an NA Area meeting. It's a business meeting of all the groups in our area. Worked on Area in the Panhandle. Now, I'm just observing. It is a huge group compared to Amarillo!
Ted stayed home & watched football. Steelers were on a bye week.
Yesterday & today (and tomorrow) I have spent the mornings at the SkillSource office in Moses Lake (35 mi). I am hoping for assistance with my reciprocity fees & law exam fees. To be assigned a trainer you have to do this 3 day thing. I hate it, but I have learned a few things. Keeping a positive attitude about me is #1.
After "class" I went to the DMV to get an Driver's License. In WA they have an Enhanced DL. It works like a passport at half the cost & it fits in your wallet. No good for flying, but by land or sea. Mexico, Canada, the Bermudas, and much of the Caribbean. Only problem? Only place within 100 miles is 30 mi the other way from Quincy. Got regular license & can upgrade for $15. Already established residency.
Oh, and it took 2 hrs! Did register to vote while there.
Got license plates for car. Will do Tahoe in 2 weeks. Got insurance moved over and got Renters insurance.
Guess that means I'm staying! Ha!
Excited about all the new releases today! From Steven Curtis Chapman to Shane & Shane to Pocket Full of Rocks. Can't afford everyone today. SCC will stream live from his FB page tonight at 9PM CST. Also, Paul Balouche released a great worship CD today..

Ok. All caught up. I think. Be Blessed.

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-10-25T14:28:00.002-07:00

Can't decide on a picture for today. Cold & dreary would describe today. The rest in bullet points.

WE ARE ON THE INTERNET HIGHWAY AT HOME!!! It was a long 7 weeks without internet. I never dreamed I would tire of Starbucks! I think had there been somewhere in Quincy with free wi-fi, I wouldn't have grown so tired.
Steelers won. Beating the undefeated Vikings and the Great Brett Favre. WOO HOO!
TJ is representing the BlogNation faithful tonight in Montgomery. And this afternoon at the tweet & greet.
Hooked up our old scanner yesterday. It took a few tries. Something about a "twain" driver. Thanks to Canon for having such a great website for their older hardware.
Now realizing how badly I need an external hard drive. Down to 1%. Defrag program won't even run with that little bit of space left. It's always something.
Ted enjoying his new job. Staying busy.
Trying to decide where to go for our next day trip.
The smell of apples is fading as the pickers finish the last of the orchards. This is amazing produce country. I thought it was Cali & S Texas. Not Central Washington.

Everyone have a great Monday. :)

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-10-18T15:50:00.003-07:00

Made the trip to Wenatchee to Starbucks. For free internet. On a Sunday. With a headache, here are some random thoughts on a Sunday.

Hope we get internet this week.
Only drove today to file unemployment payment request. *sigh*
Am going to take a 3 day Career Assessment in November so I can talk to a "SkillSource" trainer. To see if unemployment might help me with my reciprocity fees.
It's $330 to file app & $185 for the law exam. And a 7 hour course for HIV/AIDS. And a birth certificate. And transcripts.
Finally have a new sponsor. She is a drug & alcohol counselor with the State. She has 20+ years clean.
Amanda climbed a real outdoor rock wall. Never done it before. Her adrenaline level was thru the roof yesterday!
dc* b was in Seattle (Federal Way) last night. And Spokane tomorrow night.
Cross-stitching a Snowman family out cutting their Christmas tree. Big, 11 x 14. Lots to keep me busy when I'm not getting my 4 meetings a week in.
Ted's making dinner, so I better run.

We'll talk soon. :)

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-10-04T13:22:00.002-07:00

This is a picture looking West as I drop into the Basin driving to Wenatchee. I love this drive. I make it 3 to 4 times a week. A lady the other day said it was a boring drive. It's anything, but. The beauty of God's hand is EVERYWHERE. And it's awesome. Well, it's Sunday and I'm at Starbucks, but need to get home for kickoff.

Still no internet. Hopefully in next week. Don't understand the wait for equipment just because I have fiber-optics. Anyone have an answer?
Amanda wanted to try & fly here for the weekend. She had Sat, Sun off for ACL (Austin City Limits) and then got Mon, Tues off. Her dad told her to wait til there was snow so she could ski, too. :(
Been here 5 weeks. Wow.
Just need to purchase some garage shelving to put last of boxes away. Stacked in office for now.
Movers came back & picked up the broken-down boxes this week. About 70 of them. Boy is there room in the garage now.
Would love to go to Seattle in 2 weeks to see dc*b, but it just isn't gonna work. :(
Need to get an EDL (Enhanced driver's license). It works like a passport at the border when traveling by ground. (not air travel). We are about 3 hours from the Olympics. The ski resort in Wenatchee is the practice mountain for the Olympics.
Finally fall here. Cooler temps & lots of apple orchards being picked. Lots of apples. Everywhere. They are wonderful!
Someone brought fresh raisins to the clinic. They are so sweet, they taste like they are chocolate-covered.
Be back soon on a daily basis. Have missed a lot, I know

Have a blessed week. :)

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-09-20T12:54:00.003-07:00

I am writing a post! I am at Starbucks. Again. Internet service is a process here. It's under the "Public Utility District". We are in a fiberoptics area, but will take up to 30 days for equipment. So confusing. On to bullet points. Quick because I just missed kick-off.

The pic above was snapped from the stage at The Gorge. 10 miles S of Quincy. You know, where there was a little festival in August. Hawk, dc*b, and the like. What a background! We were there for a Chamber of Commerce event.
Attendance at said festival was way down this year. From 20,000 to about 11,000. We spoke with the caretaker for a while. He's from Calgary. He's been caretaker since they built it 20 years ago.
Dave Mathews recorded one of his live CD's here. He was just here for the 10th Labor Day weekend in a row. He played all 3 days. No, I didn't go.
Almost completely unpacked. In less than 2 weeks. Finally becoming a home. Pictures going up. Plants adjusting.
Even have a bed for visitors (Amanda) put up. Small, but comfortable.
Miss having the internet daily.
Miss reading other blogs.
It is absolutely beautiful here. Even without the trees & mountains. But, they are very, very close.
Oldest step-daughter & Amanda are already looking at ski venues in our area. Quite a few within an hour.
Been visiting various NA groups. Still haven't found a home group or a new sponsor. It's only been 3 weeks. Even attended an area meeting already. Can you say service?
Did I mention I miss reading blogs?

Time to head back for the game. Already missed kick-off. Maybe next week. Don't know.

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-08-23T07:58:00.004-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted lately. We have been incredibly busy these past 2 weeks. Amanda came home for 1 1/2 days to sort through things. Brought and empty suitcase & then took a carry-on from us. Both crammed full of clothes & other belongings. Her other request was to take pictures in front of her house. So we did. We have the most wonderful neighbors. Both retirees. Husband loves photography. He's pretty darn good. He has taken probably half our Christmas card pics over the 20 years in our home. On to bullet points.

Packers come on Wednesday. Estimated 2 days to pack.
Movers come Friday to load our belongings and the Tahoe. The Tahoe will be full of plants! Can't leave those! Some are going to good homes.
Not looking forward to the 1700 mile ride. The scenery, yes. Doing it in 2 days, not so much.
Downsizing is hard! All the closets are empty, except for our bedroom & the coat closet.
Garage sale was Thursday & Friday. We had an amazing turn-out. Even on Thursday (not a traditional day). Made our travel money.
Renting a storage unit tomorrow. Haven't found a babysitter for the piano, yet. The dining room stays here. We are moving into a 3 BR duplex. 1500 sq ft (from 2300). Don't want to sell the DR set.
Am going to my last Amarillo NA mtg today. It's getting hard to say good-bye.
My home group took me to lunch Friday. It was great! 9 of us. I have pics, but someone (me) accidentally threw away the cord from the camera that had the USB on it. It has a memory stick that works on the laptop, but am not on it! Both my sponsors were there (my 1st relapsed, but is still a great woman in recovery).
A friend who moved a few months ago was in town & came, too. Then he paid for everyones lunch! I knew there was a reason I missed him!
Yesterday was Unity Day. There is an NA World convention every 2 years. This year it was in Barcelona, Spain. Unity Day has been going on since 1993. It is where you can hook into the last night's meeting & speakers. We did that yesterday! It was unbelievable to listen to the readings in 8 different languages! There were over 100 hook-ups! From India to Australia. From Hawaii to Iran. From Egypt to Washington. From El Paso to Guatemala. Amazing. Simply amazing.
Keep us in prayer. We are tired & sore. But, we keep on keepin' on.
Ted starts work in 10 days! Yeah!

OK, I'm tired of typing & have a lot to do. Not sure when I'll post again. I'll try with the laptop if I can find wi-fi in our travels. Love you guys! This pic says it all. Can you see the tear drops on my post.

Stats Suck Sunday, a little different today

2009-08-09T12:39:00.003-07:00

This is a picture of the MercyMe guys last November in Amarillo. One of the earlier trial & error shows getting ready to stream the RAWRS live from a new venue every night. Lots of artists have streamed live before, but not every night from a new spot. With new adventures every day. It started me on a great adventure! Blogging, a facebook page, twitter, and friends from all around the world. Coming together as the Body of Christ. I am so grateful for this one night! Someone wrote recently reminding me that there really is no luck or coincidence in life. It's always, always God. Today's meeting was on gratitude without attitude. The guys above went through such a tragedy yesterday in Ft Wayne, In. I praise God none of them were injured. Where is the gratitude in 2 people in the other vehicle dying & the 35 week old fetus of the driver, who remains in critical condition? These seasons don't always make sense. God doesn't answer us in our time! As I type this iTunes shuffle is playing dc*b's "Never Let Go". Oh, my, goodness! "When clouds brought rain and disaster came". He is there. "ever faithful, ever true". Why can't we be like that. I seem to strive for that and I can do better. Gratitude without attitude.
I have been so melancholy the past few days with the final decision to move to Quincy, Wa. 1600 miles from my home of 27 years. Over half my life! I haven't stopped to say thank-you. And mean it. There is so much to do! 20 years in the same house! Ted & I are organizing our days. What room or closet to tackle when. What to take (we will be downsizing for now), what to store, what to store for Amanda, and what to give to various charities. Downtown Women's Center. Habitat's ReStore. Salvation Army. Sell the house or rent.
Guess I got off-track today with no bullet points! Way off! Started off with the guys above & rambled my way into moving! I can honestly say I am not excited about what the next 3 weeks hold, but I'm getting better. New friends waiting for me to meet. New NA groups. New places to explore. I've already checked the fall concerts out for Washington, N. Oregon, and N Idaho. Maybe meet up with those wonderful peeps from W Wendover, NV in Boise. In November. God is good to me. He has set me up with all kinds of survival tools for those first few days & weeks.
My biggest obstacle now is to find some serenity at leaving my baby! She will be 23 in a month & I will be another 1600 miles further away from her! I know she is "on her own", but it's hard. I don't remember being this melancholy when she went to Germany for a summer! Or when she went to college. Keep me in your prayers. I know they are already working on my heart & my head. So they get on the same page. Love you guys! :)

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Positive Post Tuesday

2009-08-04T19:16:00.002-07:00

"Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong. Let all that you do be done with love." 1 Cor 16:1

Jeremy Camp tweeted this verse earlier this evening. In fact, it seems that God put several references to faith in my life today. From my NA meeting at noon to tweets all afternoon. Bible verses. Quotes. All directed at me! Someone's blog the other day reminded me that there is no luck, no fate, no coincidences in life. They are all God-directed pieces to the puzzle of our life. The pieces fit together so much better when we stop & listen to what God must be screaming at us! "That piece doesn't go there! Listen to me! It would fit perfect there if you would just take a step back & look at the direction I'm pointing you in!" I can imagine how many times God shakes His head in frustration at all of us trying to put the puzzle together OUR way.
Back to the faith thing. The above picture is part of the front of my home of 20 years. The yard my husband takes such care with. 20 years of memories. 20 years of stuff. Our lives are getting ready to change dramatically. Whether it is a move to Washington in roughly 3 weeks, or staying in Texas, but another part of the state. I'm having a tough time! I trust God, but I don't! I have faith that God is in control, but I just want to tweak His control just a teeny tiny bit! My sweet sister-in-law reminded me the other day that, yes, one door had closed, and that God would open another, but I couldn't just go barging in through a door I open. I have to wait on God's timing. But, I want the answer now. In bright neon lights so I don't miss it! And she also reminded me of Proverbs 3:5-6: Remember that God's plan is always, yes always, better than anything we can dream or imagine!
It doesn't matter where our decisions take us. #1 I know God will be there. All the way. #2 We have each other. #3 I know Amanda is a great woman of faith & that no matter where I am, God is always watching over her. Wonderful, I just made myself cry! Doggone it! This is one of the hardest things I've dealt with in a long time. I think it may even be harder than getting clean. Oh, and #4 Recovery is available wherever I go.
I'm scared, but with all the positive reinforcement from so many friends, I can & will survive! No matter what.

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Stats Suck Sunday

2009-08-02T13:17:00.003-07:00

Today marks my niece's 1 year anniversary! They are busy moving into a new town & house. She is a basketball coach & now will be teaching 5th grade math. They are so cute! Say hello to Cody & Nicole Chapman. Now for the rest in bullets.

We drove to my brother's last Friday to borrow his pick-up so we could move Amanda's stuff that was put in storage in Waco after graduation. She moved into her new apartment on Saturday. Went well, but it was oh so hot & humid! She is all settled. And in her own bed again!
She has made great friends already. Met 3 of them last weekend. Didn't stay for church Sunday since we needed to return pick-up to my brother.
On the ride down to my brother's we decided not to take the job in Washington. I would expand my search to include most of Texas, then Ted find a job second. It is such a hassle to reciprocate my license. Plus about $1000 non-refundable cash before I even know if they will accept me with my license on probation. They still want us to come, so they called licensing people & had them call me. Still a lot of "what ifs".
I have a phone interview with Target for a job in the Dallas area on Tuesday morning. Also, hopefully with Kroger for the same area.
I hate being in the not-knowing. I know this a test of surrender & faith. It's still hard. Same community for 25+ years. Same house for 20. Jeremy Camp, Natalie Grant, and Bebo Norman here on November 7th.
Am filling in for a friend who is a pharmacist at a rehab hospital here. Thursday & Friday. A little different that what I'm used to,but excited all the same. Dealing with Drs & nurse's vs customers. I've done that, but it's been about 10 years. Pray!
Working will mess with my unemployment, so pray for a rapid paper trail. Thankfully, my unemployment was extended under the Emergency stimulus stuff. Obama's not all bad. It's a morsel compared to our normal income, but it's been such a blessing.

That's long enough. Got to get back into step-work on this lazy afternoon. Or maybe another chapter of "Crazy Love". Francis Chan writes from the Spirit within. He makes the hard stuff easier. I read a sentence or two & it's like "duh! I knew that!". Will keep you all updated.

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Positive Post Tuesday

2009-07-21T18:26:00.002-07:00

The picture is from Christmas Eve 2008. Every Christmas Eve my sweet husband makes dozens of pierogies. Amanda has helped the last several years. It's become quite the tradition for them. I'm trying not to think too far ahead, because I will just cry. It's about 99% sure we'll be moving to the State of Washington & who knows what Christmas Eve 2009 holds. I know, this is supposed to be positive!
In recovery we try to measure time in spans no longer than 24 hours. Sometimes it's hard. I want to know what tomorrow holds. Today. I am not always patient with God. But, He's always patient. Always there. Always knows what tomorrow holds. (whisper in my ear, would you please?).
All I can see is the negative. Kinda like when I went into treatment 2 years ago. It wasn't my fault. That stupid Pharmacy Board! Everyone was wrong & had it in for me. What did Andy Stanley remind folks of Sunday? Who is the common denominator in all your troubles? Well, duh. It's ME!!
All the "what-ifs" keep dragging me down, when I know God is there saying keep your eyes forward! Quit looking back. It's over. It's done. It's the past. When running the good race, looking back can shave time off your sprint. Keeping taking that next step of faith. Give your worries up & quit taking them back!! "What if" I had not stolen from my employer to supplement my prescriptions? "What if" I had looked into treatment a full year before the Compliance Officer from the Board came knocking? It all comes back to the common denominator. Me.
If I hadn't done the things I did, we wouldn't be looking at moving thousands of miles away. We wouldn't be in the financial crisis we're in. I try not to blame myself, but the disease of addiction is tricky. It wants me to feel pain. It wants me to be in a constant pity-party. It wants me to numb the world around me again. Always. Every second of the day.
And therein lies the positiveness of today. I choose NOT to give into that. Well, maybe a little. Not numbing the world around me has, in turn, given the world back to me. Without the use of drugs. Without the guilt & shame. God has re-entered my life & my heart is once again full with the Holy Spirit. I want to share my faith & my recovery with others.
Recovery talks about giving back what was so freely given to me. Doesn't that sound familiar? Recovery may not like to use the word God, for fear of scaring people away, but most 12 step programs are taken from the original, AA. Back in the 1930's they wrote some magical steps on how to recover. Taken straight from the Bible. The Bible is never mentioned or quoted in most 12 step literature, but it jumps off the page for people like me who are familiar with the Bible. It's sad to see the number of people who come once & never return. Scared of who they might find behind those frightened eyes.
Just for today, I am trying to stay positive. Just the thought of leaving my home of 20 years is sad enough. 5 walk-in closets to sort through. 20 years of memories. They are just that. I have pictures. I have my memories. The only house Amanda remembers (she was almost 3).
Keep us in prayer as we make a huge transition in our lives. Reluctantly. I don't feel like God is telling me one way or the other. I feel like I've been listening. Really hard. Maybe because it's not the answer I want? Denial, I am familiar with you!

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Stats Suck Sunday

2009-07-19T16:37:00.003-07:00

Well, it's been a long day, but I now have a few minutes to do that SSS thing that many of us do. Bullet points because no one reads blogs on Sunday. So make it simple!

Listening to "Glory Revealed II" while typing. Kind of reminds me of Bart & the "Hymned" music.
Going to Austin Friday to move Amanda's stuff from Waco to her very own apartment in Austin. Driving to my brother's on Friday & staying the night. Borrowing his pick-up & meeting Amanda in Waco Saturday morning at the storage unit where stuff has been awaiting her return since graduation in May!
She found a great roommate and got to sign the lease without a guarantor (ie Dad). She felt pretty old that day! She's had bills in her name by herself, but not an apartment.
Ted was offered the job in Washington. Quincy if you want to see where it's at. Need to make a final decision by Tuesday the 21st.
Week has been a blur since I worked 3 days. Just filled in at the pharmacy where I was laid off. It was good to see friends & just work.
Got my 2 year medallion on Friday with the friend I went through treatment with. Her 2 years wasn't until Thursday. I always wait for her to celebrate our clean time.
Think I'll buy my Jeremy Camp/Natalie Grant/Bebo Norman ticket now. They come here on November 7th (I think). Switchfoot & The Afters are here on a Wednesday afternoon in August. At the park across the street from me! How exciting!
Love the Mango Cherry Cooler thing from Sonic. Loads of juice & smushed up pineapple in the bottom. Kind of a pain with the pieces get stuck in the straw, but that does not deter me from drinking it!

In case I don't post next Sunday, don't worry, I'll be back late Sunday. :)

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Stats Suck Sunday

2009-07-12T14:56:00.003-07:00

I borrowed the above image from my friend, Brody. The Sunday blog everyone waits for. Random thoughts in bullet points, since no one reads blogs on Sunday! (I do).

I am going to work the next 3 days. At the pharmacy I was laid off from. It is to fill in while one of the other pharmacist's is on vacation. I am excited. I really miss working.
I celebrated 2 years free from pain & muscle relaxer drugs yesterday. Recovery is a wonderful thing. I have met so many wonderful people. I am re-discovering myself. No need to numb myself or the life around me.
I just came from a "home show" in one of the newer housing developments in Amarillo. It was put on as a fund raiser for a dear friend who has melanoma and is not doing well. She is a wonderful caterer.
Still no jobs for us. Ted went to the State of Washington earlier in the week for a face-to-face interview. Should hear something this week.
Went on a West Texas road trip yesterday. With 2 NA friends. We went to Midland (4 hrs away) for an NA regional meeting. I represent the Panhandle area as an alternate. The other person couldn't go. I loved listening to the other 2. They have 25+years between them & have a lot of recovery wisdom to share with a "2" year old. Left at 7am, meeting at 1, finished at 5, home at 9. We did have lunch in there somewhere!
Really hot here again today. Broke a record 1 day, tied it another. Was 112 just East of us. That is nuts.
Hope the alarm clock still works. (just kidding. Used it yesterday)
Need to iron a couple of pairs of slacks. Guess I better get after it! It's too hot to iron.
What's for dinner? It's 5:10 & I have no idea. Hmmmm.

Have a blessed week. :)

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Positive Post Tuesday

2009-07-07T19:12:00.002-07:00

I've been trying to stay in a positive frame of mind today. My husband is in the State of Washington today. He had a job interview in the middle part of the state. Moses Lake/Quincy area. It would to run a type of rural health clinic in Quincy. It took him nearly 12 hours from the time I dropped him at the airport until he finally got to the motel room in Moses Lake. And he gets to do it all over again tomorrow. He liked the area. Forgot to make him take the camera. Hope he brings back some info. I have "googled" the area. Checked the Pharmacy reciprocity. It is more cumbersome than Colorado would have been. And it remains to be seen how a state will handle a license on probation. I'll cross them waters if they come.
On another positive note, Amanda signed a lease on an apartment in Austin for the 25th of July. It is a 2 bedroom that she will share with a friend. They looked at several & this was the one that fit their needs. Except for a washer & dryer. There are hook-ups. Now to undo what we did 2 months ago in Waco. Clean out the storage unit & make a final (for at least a year) move to Austin. She keeps running into people she either knows or knows through others. The girl that checked her out at the grocery store yesterday was a friend of her dorm mates from her freshman year at Baylor. The randomness of life!
This time of year always finds me contemplating where I was 2 years ago. Two years ago I was an addict in denial. No way was I a "junkie". Other people might be. I judged them everyday at work. God has so blessed me. He keeps giving me the gift of recovery. Every day. Two years ago I could have made the decision to give up. Not fight for my license. Not fight for my life. Thank God, I didn't. I chose recovery and what a difference it has made in my life. On Saturday, July 11th, I celebrate 2 years clean. It has not been easy, but it has been simple. God has given me new eyes and some awesome friends. Not just superficial friends or social friends, but people who have been where I have been. At my bottom. Only God could have done this. I just need to continue to carry the message of recovery and how blessed my life is-no matter the unemployment! I am not ashamed anymore. Well, maybe a little, but I can look you in the eye now & not feel guilt when speaking. My heart overflows with the need to stay clean, continue my recovery, and pass it on to the newcomer. Life is too short.

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Stats Suck Sunday

2009-07-05T13:13:00.003-07:00

Note: I did not take the above picture. But, I read somewhere that a picture at the top of your blog brings interest to the blog. Thanks, Picasa for the loan!
It's Sunday (again)! So, what better to do? A post in bullet points.

Husband is packing for his 3 day adventure to the NW. He has never been to Washington State. He has a job interview on Tuesday with a Rural Health Clinic in the middle of the state.
When he comes back on Wednesday, he flies Seattle > Portland > Dallas. The weird thing is this. My brother, sister-in-law, & niece will be in Portland at a Basketball tourney. They fly today, come home Thursday.
The sister to the niece mentioned above, lives about 80 miles from us. She is the woman's basketball coach for a 1A team. She will soon start her 2nd year there. She got married 11 months ago, but has been so busy they haven't had time to drive here for a visit. We went to several games last winter. They came yesterday to grill out. It was great to finally get to meet her husband & get to know him. We visited for hours! Now he wants to come back for more of my husband's cooking and to talk sports!
The aforementioned niece & Amanda were born 29 days apart. Nicole is the older of the two and started Kindergarten a year before Amanda. One born in August, the other September.
Turned 52 on Wednesday. Don't feel any older. I think age is just a number.
Watched fireworks from the front yard instead of walking the 4 blocks to have an unobstructed view. We watched with several neighbors. They were, as usual, fantastic. My 1 neighbor is a great photographer. I should have had him send me 1 of his photos!
Amanda's free "celebrity" haircut went well. Giving up her Mon & Tues mornings off for the before & after shots, color, cut, make-up, promotion for the stylist taking over the salon in August. And she had to work her regular shifts of 2-10pm. They were long days, but she had Wed & Thurs off & spent it with friends from Waco, Dallas, & College Station.
We will probably go to Austin & then to Waco to help her move from the storage unit to her final destination in Austin. Move-in is in 3 weeks. She has friends with pick-ups.
Coming up on 2 years clean. Saturday, July 11th. Wow. Where I was 2 years ago was not a place I'm proud of, but by God's grace, I'm starting to forgive myself. I have to be able to forgive myself, before I can forgive others. Resentments I have against myself are hard. But, I have a great sponsor who is guiding me on this journey. And great friends, too.

Hope everyone had a great weekend. :)

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Stats Suck Sunday

2009-06-28T15:51:00.003-07:00

It's time for that time-honored tradition. Stats Suck Sunday. Bullet points. Makes it quicker to read on a Sunday when you feel too lazy to read.

This a pic Amanda took in Germany in 2006 when she interned for a summer for and iWitness missionary.
Ted is flying to the center of the state of Washington for a face-to-face interview next Monday. For the director of a rural health clinic. Long way from home....Prayers, please.
Went to a nearby (an hour away) lake yesterday for a little fellowship with other recovering addicts & families. Ted drove & a friend of mine rode down with us.
Got a little sunburned on the back of my arms & neck. Thought I was in the shade! Didn't get in the water, but watched others in the water, on the boats, on the jet skis. Lots of good food!
Heard a couple of people from the Lubbock area talk about recovery. One was a young (23) lady who is passionate about recovery & the availability of recovery for people her age.
Amanda decided she met some women this week that should audition for "Housewives of Dallas"!
Had 2 inches of rain in under an hour last night (before we got home) that flooded parts of I-40. It was closed until the water cleared & stranded vehicles were removed.
I turn 52 on Wednesday. Sometimes I feel older. A box from Crate & Barrel came, but I'm not allowed to shake it or open it until my birthday. My daughter LOVES Crate & Barrel. Hmmm, wonder who it's from?
Wish I was going to DisneyWorld with Evan for my birthday this week! Ha!
I can't ride the roller coasters anymore, so not sure about what to do there!
We have 5 walk-in closets with 20 years worth of stuff to clean if we have to move. Boo. To both cleaning closets & moving. I don't like change. Especially big changes.
Love listening to my Dallas RAWRS. Could listen to Brother Bart all day long. "I love you Lord, and I lift my voice..."

Will try to post a PPT. No excuse for not doing it last week.
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Stats Suck Sunday

2009-06-21T08:29:00.003-07:00

It's Sunday. It's Father's Day. It's my anniversary.

Father's Day. It's a little sad for me because I am estranged from my parents today. It makes it kind of hard, but the energy I used to put in to worrying about my parents is better used in living my life. For me. For my family.
Amanda gave Ted a Roberto Clemente card that he's had his eye on for a while. She called & talked to Ted's buddy that has a sports memorabilia store & I picked it up. He was excited.
Today marks 23 years of marriage. It was a beautiful day except it was very windy. Time flies when you're having fun! I can go wild at Barnes & Noble with my present. I got Ted a box of freshly made nonpareils (sno-caps) for his gift. Dark chocolate. Made here in town.
He got excited because he thought it meant we were going to the movies! Not today, dear.
Long day for me. Meeting at 12:30. Area meeting at 2. Graduation party at 6:30. A friend's son graduated with his Masters over the weekend. In Milwaukee. Party here.
Think we are done with rain for a few days! Whew. Could almost hear ark workers this past week.
Still no job offers for either of us....

Everyone have a blessed day.

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Positive Post Tuesday

2009-06-16T18:46:00.002-07:00

Wow! It worked, it really worked. I stole this benice (be nice) symbol from this guy who really like Positive Post Tuesday. He wants to take PPT to another level by using '+' after tweets, FB entries, comments, etc. The '+' signifies a positive post. Using a '-' means not so positive a post. So here is my positive post for today.
As many of you know I am an addict in recovery. 706 days today. In a little over 3 weeks I will have 2 years. I am very much involved in a 12 step program. I have a sponsor, I attend meetings, I do service work (chair meetings, etc), and I work the steps. Sort of. I have been lax in working the steps. I hate to write. Always hated essay questions on tests. Hated writing term papers. God elbowed me in the ribs a couple of weeks ago and it "suddenly" occurred to me that I needed to get back into the steps. I finished my 3rd step with my sponsor last week and this week started Step 4. I know that in order to retain my sanity, I must be compliant with all areas of recovery. How can I help a newcomer if I'm not helping myself? So, I've started the "dreaded" Step 4. I am excited about it. Most people freak out thinking about doing it. I hope to find some answers as to why, after so many successful years on various pain meds, was this time different. I want to know why I did the horrible & stupid things I did. I don't want to make the same mistake EVER again. What a gift & blessing the 12 step programs are!
I also go to a church-based 12 step program that is a combination of addicts & family members who have the need to understand the addict/alcoholic in their life. It's just on Monday nights. It's a little less structured, but a good group of people looking for answers. Last night a young girl & her significant other were there. For the first time. She stopped her drug of choice a month ago, but didn't know how to keep it that way. We talked after the meeting & I offered to come pick her up today for the meeting I go to at noon. She very much wanted to go. She met some other addicts in recovery & got more phone numbers.
It was a good small group today. From her 30 days clean to a woman with 27 years clean. So much recovery in 1 room! I bought her a "basic text". It has the basics of recovery in it. It addresses the steps & traditions one at a time. A lot of great info. And stories from addicts. Kind of like "Chicken Soup" series stories. Encouragement. Experience. Strength. Hope. She doesn't realize I paid for it yet because she didn't even want me to buy her a soda today! I like the feeling of paying it forward. I'm taking her again tomorrow. I don't normally go Tuesday or Wednesday, but I'm trying to get her to do 90 meetings in 90 days. That's what is suggested for newcomers. It establishes a routine. It gives the newcomer phone numbers. It makes them accountable for the 1st time in a long time. Do I want to do 90 meetings in 90 days? No. Been there, done that! But, I can get her started. She doesn't have transportation during the day. It is a great feeling for me to give back. That's what life is about. That's living life on life's terms. +

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-06-14T14:30:00.004-07:00

I definitely am not computer savvy. Tried to put a picture of a hammock on the beach at the top of my blog and failed. Five times. I got my toenails up on Tuesday, but apparently photobucket & I do not agree on where I want the picture. Left, center, right. I give up today. But, wait, there's more! I changed computers & went where ALL our pics are. This is of the "Dom" in Cologne, Germany where Amanda interned the summer of 2006. So it's summer, just not the hammock on the beach.....

PITTSBURGH PENGUINS WIN THE STANLEY CUP. In game 7, on the opponents home ice. Woo Hoo.
Amanda is still the gainfully employed one in the family!
Oldest step-daughter a victim of layoffs. She decided to finish her bachelor's. She started back to school June 1st & so far has straight A's. Not bad for 41.
Oldest granddaughter tried to sneak a kitten into the house. She just turned 15, but thinks she should be able to do what she wants! It worked for a day. Mom heard this mewing from her room. Ooops.
Finished Step 3 with my sponsor. Now onto Step 4.
Who cares about the Lakers & the Magic? No one in this house.
Love the new JOC CD "The Long Fall back to Earth". Just missed them on harvest.org today out on Long Island. Food seemed more important. Silly me!
I'm excited someone I know made caramel corn today. Has the mailman come with my package yet?
It's been 4 weeks since graduation & Amanda is back in Waco. She is one of the hostess' for a Sunday Sundae Shower. It's a couples wedding shower. What a great idea! Keeps the guys interested at least for a few minutes.
My daughter thinks I twitter too much! She hasn't said it, but I know I do. Yes, she is using twitter, sparingly! Guilted into it by friends, I think. She tweets at least once a day. Today included a twitpic of the sundae toppings.
I wouldn't twitter so much if I were WORKING!
My toenails still look marvelous, but my manicure was toast by the 3rd day.

Everyone have a great week and keep our friend, Kelly, in your prayers as she goes before a judge to testify to her inability to continue being gainfully employed due to her disability.

Positive Post Tuesday

2009-06-09T16:43:00.004-07:00

Haven't done a PPT in a looong time. It certainly isn't because I've been too busy. It's because I've not been as positive as I usually am. The past month has been such a roller coaster. High = Amanda's graduation. Low = Ted losing his job 2 days later. At least it didn't put a damper on graduation.
My positive thing for today is that I used my Mother's Day gift. A mini-paradise day at a local spa. We have a friend who manages & markets it. I got there at 12:15, did a little paper work, selected lunch, and was shown to a massage room.
The massage therapist asked a lot of questions before starting. I liked that since my back is sensitive in a lot of areas. She was great, but in a gentle way. She spent time focusing on my upper & lower back. All those tight muscles! Ahhhh. From there I donned a really sooooft robe and had lunch. There is a little cafe (I'm talking 5 or 6 tables inside, 3 outside) that makes all kinds of artisan breads. They serve wonderful sandwiches for lunch. They also have a hot, blue plate special. And desserts? Oh, my goodness! From choc pie to creme brulee. It's Amanda's fav place to stop at when she's home.
After lunch I was shown to another room for my facial massage & mask. It was heavenly. Never had a facial like that! It was really good, too.
Then on to the pedicure. My first ever! The massage chair just continued the relaxing atmosphere. I went with a hot pink & white polka dots. Amanda hasn't even seen them & she's already embarrassed! Mission accomplished. (hee, hee, hee) Then finally the manicure. My nails are not great, so we just went with a neutral wedding pink color. I really think I've been missing out by waiting so long for a pedicure. My range of motion is so bad that I can't really take care of my feet the way I would like to. I can barely get 1 coat on, let alone polka dots!
It was a wonderful day, but now it's time for the Pittsburgh Penguins to kick a little Detroit Redwings team around the ice. Home ice. White out. Towels waving. Sister-in-law working the game! It's win or stay home (game 7 goes back to Detroit).

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-06-07T08:23:00.002-07:00

My friend, Brody, who got me started with blogging some 6 months ago, says bullet points are the rule for Sunday's. Not many peeps read blogs on Sunday, so make it short & sweet.

Our daughter is still the only one gainfully employed in the family.
Have enjoyed several afternoons in the backyard this week. Reading, napping, contemplating.
Excited that Jeremy Camp will be live on God.tv this afternoon at 2:30 CDT.
My 23rd anniversary is 2 weeks from today. A card may be his gift....
The Penguins really, really stunk last night. The RedWings just totally dominated. Game 6 back in Pittsburgh on Tuesday night.
I'm not doing well on my blog posts lately. Being unemployed, I certainly have plenty of time!
Oldest step-daughter started summer school Monday. Taking 3 classes. She was laid off in April. Unexpected. So, at 41, she's going to finish her B.S. in Business Admin. Great effort. It's eating her lunch this 1st week!
Oldest granddaughter turned 15 the other day! I look back & amazed at how time flies! Especially when they live in Cleveland. The other 4 are ages 2 to 13. With #6 due in August! (same Mom & Dad). The other step-daughter & her hubby have 2 granddogs!
"cashing" in my Mother's day gift on Tuesday. A mini spa day. Start at 12:15 and ending around 4:30. Facial, eyezone treatment, massage, European manicure & pedicure. Lunch. I'm excited. I've never had a pedicure or a facial. Woo Hoo.

Keep us in your prayers for job opportunities. We have been vigilant in our search. Moving is a possibility. The worst thing about that is 20 years of "stuff" in this house......

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Stats Suck Sunday

2009-05-31T18:27:00.002-07:00

Sunday has rolled around again. I didn't even get a Positive Post Tuesday up. I have turned into a slacker. I don't want to be a slacker! So here's a Sunday post:

Enjoyed a Third Day concert from Slovakia online yesterday! It was a little choppy, but still. I've never seen them live before, but been a fan for a long time.
No chat room, but several of we die-hards tweeted the whole time.
No job prospects for husband or myself. Trying to stay positive. To be anything else is thumbing my nose at my faith & trust in God and His plans for us.
Have enjoyed spending several days in the backyard. Reading, doing step-work, just relaxing. Today was too warm & then we had a shower about 5:30. Hoping tomorrow can be a repeat.
Furniture in living room stacked due to having ceilings painted. He started Friday & will finish in here tomorrow, then on to the kitchen & dining room.
Daughter is "tired" from her first 40 hour weeks! But, still enjoying the fact she has a job.
She already needs things out of her storage unit. In Waco. An hour away. Will need man-help to move things to get to what she needs....
A Baylor seminary grad student is trying to help plant a new church in Austin this summer. Amanda worked with him at her on-campus job this past year. She likes the group they have so far, but is checking other churches out, too. Austin Stone for one. (Chris Tomlin's old church & where Todd Agnew & his bride attend). It took her 4 or 5 months to decide on a church home in Waco.
Enjoy the fact that my husband is picking a project a day to stay busy. Cleaning garage, cleaning stuff above my cabinets in kitchen, you know, generally driving me a little nuts! But, his stress level has gone to peaceful. I like that.
Ted loves to cook. He loves to try new things. Not working really has him wanting to try new things! He can make something out of nothing.
Penguins lost Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals. Game 2 has a lot of time left to play. Then to Pittsburgh for 2 games. (they are in Detroit to start).

It's gonna be a great week.

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-05-24T12:41:00.002-07:00

It's Sunday & I haven't done a SSS in a while. Last Sunday I was at my daughter's graduation from college in case you missed my MONDAY post. This Sunday? Cool & rain clouds, but no rain in this part of town.

Went to see "Star Trek" yesterday. Thought it was pretty good. They did such a great job with the make-up, etc. It was kind of eerie seeing the characters so young. Does that make me old?
Amanda started her new job. So far, so good. Sleeping on a friend's couch until the friend gets moved out, then she can sleep in a bed again! And then moving some stuff out of storage in Waco & getting it to Austin.
Husband lost job on Tuesday. Kind of at a loss. Life sucks sometimes.
Back to a year ago when we were looking at leaving Amarillo for work. 20 years worth of closets to clean out.
I really hate garage sales. Going to them or having them.
Amanda needs to come clean out her own closet & dressers. Talk about a pack rat! If she hasn't needed any of it in 4 years away....
Hubby tries to make fun of my lack of enthusiasm, but the garage & attic are FULL of his stuff, projects, and trains he had in the 50's. (yes, 1950).
I have great friends I have never even met. You know who you are. You give me strength when I can't seem to feel it. You remind Who is in control. (it's not me, although I want it that way most of the time). You listen when I'm cranky. You cry with me, even though we are miles apart. Thank-you.
I thank God for Brody. He brought so many of us together. At first for music. But, eventually for fellowship. From "sea to shining sea" we continue our lives, but include these new friends in our daily life.
Guess I'm sounding a little reflective & sentimental today. Think I'll curl up & read a book I got from the library.

It is a good day. I will name 5 things that bring me joy today. 1) God 2) Great husband 3) The roof over my head 4) a happy daughter 5) New friends.

Baylor Graduation

2009-05-18T08:37:00.007-07:00

Where to start! We left home Thursday & headed to Llano where my brother & sister-in-law live. We just spent the afternoon & evening having a great visit. Hubby just want to get out of town for a day of nothing. It was accomplished! First time in a long time we got to just visit. No bunches of people at a wedding or graduation. Just quiet time to catch up before they, too, headed to Waco. We missed their daughter's graduation from college last spring, and I have felt guilty ever since! My younger brother stopped by for a few minutes, too. He works nights as a sheriff's deputy for Llano county. It was good to see him, too.
Friday morning we drove the 2 hours to Waco, arriving around 11. We drove to Amanda's apt & guess what? No packing had occurred yet! Amanda had it all sorted & ready to pack. She's OCD like that! She had a plan of action & directions for who would do what. We decided on lunch first, then Wal*Mart for some more storage totes & U-haul for a wardrobe box & big box. We got a lot done Friday afternoon. Moved a 4 runner load full to the storage unit. Got the food for post-graduation ordered. Took a second load to storage unit. Called it a day.
Saturday we started with breakfast; the most important meal of the day! It was cool & rainy. Ran a few errands. One for a cake. We went to this little cake place, off the beaten path. The owner is a member of Amanda's church. We picked a cake & she went to the back to write congrats on it. When she came back, it was great! Then when Ted went to pay, she said it was her gift to Amanda! Thanks, Patsy. There were so many graduates this year, Baylor had to divide it into 3 commencements. Amanda's was the last, on Saturday at 2:30. We took the cake & tea by the church. We were going to use the Backside for after graduation. Thanks, ubc! Took Amanda back to her apt & we went back to hotel to change. Back to the apt. The plan was to have everyone park there & walk the 3 blocks to the Ferrell Center for graduation, but the rain was a little much. We got everyone to the Ferrell Center & sat just 10 rows up from the stage. We also were by the entrance Amanda actually came out of during the processional.

It only took 2 1/2 hours for the whole ceremony! It was still long! I know my cousin's girls were so bored by the end. When my niece graduated last spring, it was from a very small school.
After the ceremony we took a few pics & gave everyone directions to ubc. They beat us to it! We had a great meal from Risotti's. A couple of Chicago brothers who do pizza right. And the pasta, and the meatballs, and the Italian sausage! We ate til we popped! And then there was cake. And more pics.
3 of Amanda's best friends from college came to graduation & to eat. It was good to see them again. They are all A & M students or grads. Thanks for coming to enjoy this moment with us!
I am so blessed to have such great family and friends to enjoy this time with us. Cherish all the time you can. It goes by so fast!
Sunday morning we went to ubc. It was a little on the low side for attendance without all the students! dc*b rocked the house with 1 new song (hope it's from the new CD) and 2 older ones. Hogan plays such a soulful violin. Love that element in the dc*b. B-wack was really intense. Loved Mark's guitar. There was a baby dedication-5 new babies. The sermon was on finding joy in all days, good or bad. I got teary-eyed several times. She spent so much time in this wonderful place the past 4 years. Got to say good-bye & thanks to so many ubc friends. She has made us so proud.
Back to the apt to finish packing & moving the last load to the storage unit. It was 3 when we finished and got on the road home. I cried. Didn't cry when we left her at Baylor 4 years ago. Amanda is trying not to cry. I couldn't help it. I am so excited for her and so proud.
I am thankful for the friends she has made these past 4 years. She does know several in Austin. She is sub-leasing this summer while she looks for her own place. Friends I don't know, but trust. They met through iWitness, so I know they have a common love! It's a new phase of life & growing up. For all of us. Hope I didn't bore everyone!

Positive Post Tuesday

2009-05-12T07:49:00.002-07:00

I have been in kind of a frumpy mood the past few weeks. Not doing a PPT because I felt I didn't have anything positive going on in my life. I don't know why we get like this. God is right there with us, every step of the way. So where does the frump come from & why? I've decided it's to learn something. I am so thankful God is so faithful. Because I am not so much of the time.
A lot of my frustration is work, or the lack thereof. I really burned a lot of bridges in my active addiction. Lost a lot of co-workers trust. This led to lower self-esteem. I have come a long way in 22 months of recovery. I have confidence in myself again. I feel good about myself again. A lot of pharmacies don't want to have to "supervise" me 4 hours a week & write a quarterly report. Being unemployed since November has kind of deflated my self-esteem again. I know "this too shall pass" and "the right job is out there". But, living on unemployment stinks. I make more in 1 day than the max that I get from unemployment in a week. It has been a humbling experience. A learning experience.
My most positiveness comes from my daughter right now. After 4 years at Baylor, she is graduating. She never changed her major and is graduating on time! Thank goodness. Saturday she walks across a stage, Monday she walks into a job! The job isn't necessarily marketing, but could turn into that. She had to lower her sights a little and watching her go through that has been encouraging to me. But, she is ok with it. I know she will miss her church & many friends in Waco, but she is only an hour away. She has left her mark at her church by volunteering her time for the Children's Church for the past 6 months. They are being gracious enough to let us use the kitchen/dining area Sat after graduation for dinner for all of our family that are coming.
Her job? I can now show you. You need to go to this website. It is an impressive place. I know she is excited because one benefit it is free use of the exercise room & there is cycling. She loves the cycling! This is in a beautiful, wooded area in SW Austin. It is the Lake Austin Spa Resort. I am excited for her. She is so outgoing, that I know she can make a mark there. She has many friends in Austin & family an hour north. It's about 8 hours for us.
It's funny really, how God works. Last year my niece took a job at a school about an hour from us! Now, Amanda will be about an hour from my brother!
Life really is good. I MUST find that positive part of each day. No matter how down I feel. There is always something to learn from every single day. Good or bad. Positive or negative. It is all a blessing from God.
Have a great Tuesday!

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-05-10T14:40:00.003-07:00

Today is Mother's Day. So much to be thankful for. To me every day of my life since my daughter was born is Mother's Day! I am blessed with such an awesome child. Getting teary-eyed just thinking about the past 22 Mother's Days! Here are my random thoughts for a Sunday:

Daughter graduates from Baylor on Saturday afternoon. It seems like she just graduated high school!
Daughter got job offer on Friday. Will accept tomorrow. Neat place to start out! Not what she imagined, but it is where God wants her right now.
We will drive down on Thursday. Going a little out of the way & staying with brother & family Thursday night. Time for a visit without some function to interrupt the conversation. Will go on to Waco Friday.
She will start work 2 days after graduation. Not a lot of time! Hopefully she will sublease for the summer & have a few weeks to find a place of her own. She's already thinking ahead.
Spent 3 hours yesterday afternoon at a Regional meeting of NA. First one I've attended. We are in a huge (sq miles wise) region. In West Texas it's like from "sea to shining sea". Only without the sea.
NA's 12th tradition states: "Principles (spiritual) before personalities". I think some folks tend to forget that! I know that when I run on self-will, things don't get done as well. That's the way such meetings should be; NOT run on a bunch of self-wills. Oh, well.
Daughter gave me a 5 hour "mini spa day". It includes facial, pedicure, manicure, lunch, & more! I've never had a pedicure or a facial. I'm pretty excited. Wish she could come & go with me.
Still no job. Got a couple of calls to make tomorrow. One I interviewed with a year ago, but because of the blip on my license, they wouldn't even give me a chance.
It's been a quiet day. That's the way I like it.
Really want to see "Star Trek". Didn't have time this weekend. Amanda saw it & loved it. She's not familiar with the original series, so I think that says alot about the writers. They bridged the gap somehow. Said it's a little long. For me that means getting squirmy & uncomfortable the last hour. I still want to go.

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-05-03T13:32:00.002-07:00

Today is Sunday & that means following this guy's suggestion. Since no one reads blogs on Sunday, the numbers game is down. I have found it doesn't matter the day, my numbers always disappoint me a little. I really do find it cathartic at times, so numbers aren't really what I'm after.

It has been cool & cloudy for 3 days. Hardly any rain. If you are going to be cloudy, produce something sky!
Countdown to graduation. 13 days & counting. Now if she could just find a job....
Wish I were on a plane, on my way to the Music Boat. Sure are a bunch of tweeps going. Sounds like a fun time. So much food on a cruise. Simple to elegant.
Got to see pics of Brody's gift from the Blog Nation faithful. Mike Donehey's (of Tenth Ave North) Dad made us proud when he met up with Brody at the Doves. Thanks, Mr D.
Was absent last Sunday. Was in Austin for a mandatory seminar. Didn't have access to a computer. It was a long road trip. I drove by myself Saturday. Attended seminar Sunday morning. Drove to brother's house an hour from Austin to visit & stay the night. Drove rest of the way home Monday.
It was good to visit without a reason. No graduation. No wedding. Just us. Watched me a little NASCAR. Will see them again at graduation.
Also, worked 3 days week before last. At pharmacy I was laid off from. The other 2 pharmacists went to a "shot" clinic CE. It was great to see friends & catch up. Co-workers & customers alike.
May have another recovery-based project to work on with the advocate overseer. Would include dentists & pharmacists.
Need to do a little cleaning. The lady who helps me every 2 weeks is with her mother who is in the last stages of cancer. My range of motion & pain level don't like cleaning. I will keep it light.

Guess that's all this week. (actually, the last 2 weeks). Hubby gone to coach his softball team from work. Think he wishes he had a least 1 ringer! He wants try-outs for next years team. Ha! Have a blessed week.

Positive Post Tuesday

2009-04-28T18:29:00.002-07:00

I have been a slacker the past 2 weeks. No SSS. No PPT. No excuses. I was thinking I have nothing to say that matters. That is not positive! The disease of addiction wants me to think negative. Not see me in a good light. It is so powerful sometimes. Not the obsession part. That has been gone for months. But, the feeling that I have nothing to offer. Then a conversation comes along that makes all the work I've put into recovery a little more worthwhile.
When my Board order was put into effect in August 2007, my whole mindset was that I would do what was put out in the order & the contract that the PRN (professional recovery network-for RPh's & Dentists) and no more. Attend & complete an outpatient program (IOP), do 90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, sign up for random drug screens, and continue at least 4 meetings per week for the duration of said order. That was so much I could not see any light at the end of the tunnel. I was only going to find out what to do & then I could safely take narcotics again. WRONG.
Every day since then has been a day without drugs. The obsession is gone. I made the 90 in 90. I finished IOP. I do random drug screens (all clean). I do at least 4 meetings a week. These are all the things I HAD to do.
Now for all the things I do because I WANT to. I usually attend more than 4 meetings a week. I chair a meeting every week & have for a year. I go to the Area meetings and have a small role in our Regional NA business. I am real active in other service work. I serve as secretary for an area sub-committee that serves as Public Information. I recently stepped down at the end of a 6 month committment as Panel Leader for taking weekly meetings to our local detox unit. It is such a treat to be of service. It somehow completes my foundation of recovery.
Now possibly a new adventure. All because of addiction! Amarillo is kind of isolated up in the Panhandle of Texas. All of West Texas (from here to El Paso) is kind of isolated! Part of my contract with PRN is to attend at least 1 seminar (CE) per year that they put on. It deals with addiction/recovery. The Spring seminar was this past weekend in Austin. There are at least 4 RPh's from Amarillo. Not sure how many dentists. There is a regional monthly meeting group in the larger, more populated areas of Texas. Not in Amarillo at this time. The PRN staff is looking at developing one in the Panhandle & talked with me a little bit about helping to put it together. I know it's a compliment, but addicts are hard headed when it comes to accepting compliments! I tend to think it's also because I'm not working and because I'm a woman. We just organize stuff better!
The other thing I've thought about for these past 2 years is reaching out to pharmacy students. There is a School of Pharmacy in Amarillo (thru Texas Tech). I've never considered myself to be a good speaker, but I felt like it was something I wanted to look in to. I met another pharmacist from Houston who speaks to 1st year students at the University of Houston School of Pharmacy. It was a God thing. She left before I could get her contact info, but 1 of the guys from Amarillo has known her for years.
Keep these last two things on your prayer list. I don't want to jump in to either without being ready. I always knew there was a reason I became addicted later in life. I am an example. Now I need to become that recovering example. There is life after active addiction.

Positive Post Tuesday

2009-04-14T08:11:00.002-07:00

Sunday when we went to church with Amanda, the announcements were running on the big screens. I caught one right before it changed. It said something about addiction & recovery on Monday nights. I asked Amanda about it and she wasn't familiar with it. She only gets to her home church a few times a year now. Anyway, after church there was a flyer under the windshield. It was about that meeting! I asked Amanda if it would bother her if I went. I didn't want to break her anonymity without her permission.
I had another commitment with NA at 6pm. I am very active in the outreach programs we have in Amarillo and once a month we meet & coordinate and report on the past month's activities. It usually lasts an hour. As usual, when I had somewhere I wanted to be at 7, my NA meeting went til 7:40! Couldn't leave. I'm the secretary!
As soon as we closed, I bolted. I got to the meeting at the church at 7:45 and was welcomed with open arms! That meeting went to 8:20 (instead of 8). Met some great people. It is a meeting of both addicts and family members. It was different hearing the point of view of family members. It's so hard for non-addicts to understand addiction. It's just as hard to explain. On the other hand, our family members struggle with questions. "What did we do wrong?" "I am a bad parent". "We have tried everything". To hear their pain brings addiction full circle. As an addict, EVERYTHING was all about me. That self-centeredness and spiritual emptiness is hard for an addict to grasp, let alone the family members we hurt.
It's a small group and a little less structured than most meetings I've attended, but the goal is the same. Recovery. For both the addict and the family. And it's NOT a "higher power" group. It's a God centered group. When I told them how I came about coming, one gentlemen told me they put 500 flyers under windshields. He told me that my being there was a God thing. I totally agreed with him. No doubt in my mind. I needed this. I needed to be able to speak freely about what God is doing in my life. I feel so generic when I have to say "higher power". I feel like I'm hurting God's feelings.
I know NA has to be that way. So many that come through the doors of NA grew up with a fear of God. Or nothing spiritual in their lives, ever! God is scary to them, so it's important to ease people toward a concept of a power greater than themselves.
I think this new group will add a dimension to my recovery that I feel has been missing for the past 21 months. I have grown closer to God again & want to shout it out! My spiritual void has been refilled by working my program. Now that is positive!

Thoughts on a Sunday

2009-04-12T12:35:00.002-07:00

Today is such an awesome day to celebrate the Living God. To celebrate with excitment, joy, & hope for our salvation. To share that excitement, joy, & hope with others. To "restate the obvious". No matter the packaging, the message is ALWAYS the same and to never forget what that message is. It never changes. Never.

Enjoying the 3 days Amanda is home. She has slept in every day.
30 days til graduation (woo hoo)
She hasn't been home since Christmas & had very little she really wanted to do. (she was home for D-now at church, but wasn't home)
She's glaring at me to hurry up so she can get on the laptop (hers is in her room!).
We ate a wonderful brunch at a local restaurant. They cooked eggs benedict & omlettes to order (we all had the eggs benedict). The buffet had several meat dishes, fruit, b'fast meats, potatoes, and desserts. As we left Amanda said she wasn't overfull, but a "happy full"!
Graduation is in 30 days!
She has an interview in Dallas tomorrow. It is on her way back to Waco, sort of. It's out in Richardson.
Still no job for me either, but I have to maintain the faith. I can with the prayers of friends.
Had thunderstorms yesterday. We have been behind on moisture, even with a foot of snow 2 weeks ago.
Only 4 Roadshows remain. :(
Amanda wants a set of golf clubs for graduation. Her dad is thrilled!

What a great day. We just need to remember that church is not a once a week deal. It's 24/7. Be blessed each day this week.

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-03-29T13:58:00.002-07:00

I let myself have a yucky week. I didn't even write a post for PPT. It is beyond my understanding when I make the choice to be miserable. I would much rather be full of joy. People around me would certainly appreciate it! I'll try to keep today's post positive to make up for not writing on Tuesday!

We had 12 inches of snow on Friday. It is not unusual for this area. All 30 some counties in the Texas Panhandle have had burn bans in effect for months. The driest winter I can remember in my 28 years here. The kicker? It was 70 on Thursday & up to 70 today! Crazy panhandle weather.
I have yet to miss a Roadshow broadcast. Check the link for days & times. It streams live every date on ustream. I never tire of the songs or the message.
We got up to 260 or so at one time in the Roadshow's chat room. With the variety of bands on the line-up, there is also more traffic during the stream. Younger traffic. Impatient younger traffic. Was I ever like that? (absolutely!)
These children have tried my patience. I want them to go away, but then that wouldn't be very good for my spirit. I think the lesson for me is to be patient. Jesus did not turn away a single person who was seeking Christ and neither should I.
I am going to the Roadshow in Dallas on Friday. And maybe the show in OKC on Saturday. Am supposed to meet a couple of people I have met through the MM concerts when they streamed live last fall. I'm kind of excited. My husband & daughter think I've lost my mind! It's really a trip to refuel my mind.
I'm still debating about whether or not to spend time making a t-shirt for the Roadshow. It is part of a contest. You get backstage passes and good seats. For free. It is recommended the the shirt be done in puffy paint to please the judge, Mike, from 10th Ave North. Ha, ha.
I continue to thank God for my newest friends. What a blessing this guy is for bringing great concerts for FREE on the worldwide web! People who love me (even over the internet). Accept me and don't judge me. Kinda like the peeps at NA. I am not worthless. I have value and love giving back what was so freely given to me. Amen!

Time to do a few more thing before the show starts tonight. :)

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-03-22T13:39:00.002-07:00

Is it Sunday? Already?! It has been a busy week! Following this guy and The Roadshow can keep a person busy; if I let it.

Still no job. Lots of calls after I updated my resume on Monster, but just recruiters calling for more info.
Have been having a wonderful time on RSTV 4 nights already this week. One more show tonight before a 3 night break. A lot of new people have been joining in. It's great!
My husband, once again, thinks I've lost my mind! Why doesn't he understand? It is such a great time of fellowship.
Unemployment reviewed my previous 2 weeks and decided I was eligible for benefits in that time period. Doesn't help stop the "phone calls" yet. 4 weeks will pay at once this week. Maybe I can get caught up. It's giving me nightmares. Just surrender all. It's that easy.
My daughter decided that it's too expensive to graduate (in less than 2 months) from college. Why? I asked. The price of announcements and the cap, gown, and tassel. I didn't send her to Baylor for her to think a few more dollars is gonna matter now!
No job for her yet, either, but she had 2 different interviews with Dillard's this week. One in Waco & one in Houston. For internship positions.
Spring is here. Woke up to sunshine & blue skies. By 11am it was overcast & kind of gloomy. I want 70 degree days and NO wind (unheard of here).
Saw a sign: "I promised myself this would be a good day". Actually God promises every day will be good if we just surrender our will! Why is that so hard sometimes? I want it NOW, God. Don't you understand? Surrender leads to freedom. What's better than that?

Be sure and check out The Rock and Worship Roadshow website. These guys have worked so very hard to bring us FREE online concerts. Check the dates and times and join us for a live feed.

Positive Post Tuesday

2009-03-17T12:09:00.002-07:00

This is the most positive thing I can think of today. Join us at 7PM MDT on ustream: http://www.ustream.tv/channel/the-rock-and-worship-road-show

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-03-15T09:25:00.002-07:00

This week has just flown by! It has not been a great week, but I have to find the little slivers of hope & joy & hold on to them. So, it's time for SSS.

My friend, Brody, whom I've never met, got me started on this bullet point for Sunday's.
Brody is carrying about 50 computers (well, maybe just 2 or 3) on board his flight to Denver. He will meet up with this guy, Kyle who is also a technical marvel. They get to get on a bus heading for Billings, MT.
The Roadshow starts in two days!!!! The first stop is in Billings, MT. The show begins at 7pm, MDT. Go to The Roadshow's site & there will be a link for all 20 concerts.
We actually got 1 & 1/2" of snow on Friday. Was predicted to be 6 to 9". Glad it wasn't the later, but we did need the moisture. Today is supposed to be in the 60's, tomorrow & the next day? 70's.
I'm excited to see what this guy has to say after taking a blogatical for the past month. So far this morning (since 12:01am) he has been a little cryptic. But, that's one of the things that makes him interesting.
I don't like the new home page on facebook. Boo. Amanda says they've changed it several times in the 4 or so years she's been on fb.
I hope unemployment sees that I turned down a job in another state because of how long it takes to "reciprocate" my license. Plus, with my license on probation, some states may not accept my application. This is after spending several hundred dollars before I even send in the application! I really need my benefits. I had bills coming out of my overdrawn account & bouncing back to the creditors. Not good. I don't like questioning my faith, but doggone it! Where is that open door? Why can't I see it?
Our friend, Robert, who had a massive heart attack 4 weeks ago went home this week! The day he had the heart attack the cardiologist told us he didn't expect he would leave the hospital. Miracles do happen.
My sister-in-law came to see her mother (the one who has cancer). Got to see her one day this week & visited for 2 hours! Face to face! Sometimes a phone call just doesn't cut it. I wish we lived closer again.

Well, off to my NA meeting, then NA area meets and I'm part of that group, too. I sure am doing a lot of service work while I'm unemployed! It keeps me busy & helps give me a routine. I am blessed and I know God will reveal that open door. When He is ready, not in my time! But, I get so impatient! :)

Positive Post Tuesday

2009-03-10T18:48:00.002-07:00

Well, it's been Tuesday all day long, and I have pondered all day long. What is positive today? Right now. I could still continue to be ticked that I still don't have a job. I could be negative because I have bills to pay & my unemployment didn't deposit today AND the stupid Workforce Commission was "unable to handle my call" ALL day long. No way to leave a message, nothing.
Then I go to Aftercare. It's every Tuesday night. It's a combination of people from all walks of recovery. Mostly people who are in or have been in IOP (intensive out-patient treatment program). It is one of the requirements of my board order. Tonight, the topic was gratitude. One guy, who is the philosophical one of the bunch, told us how he felt that 1st night in IOP. It reminded me of how I felt. Everything he said, I either felt or went through. Sometimes it's good to have those little reminders to make me grateful that I am an addict.
Grateful to be an addict? Yes. A recovering addict. God had my life planned out before I was born, before I took my first breath of air. That is hard to wrap my head around sometimes. The people I have met in recovery, the reconnection with God, and the people I have met through a live, streaming concert last fall. Wow. So many things that God has put in front of me. I am grateful I don't have to make any more decisions without help. It's all God. Whether it's me listening for His take or the people God puts in my life to give me their advice, it's God.
Do I still have guilt & shame? Yes, but I don't have to dwell on it. It is more of a fleeting thought. I do have amends to make, but I'm not equipped with the tools I need yet. That's the beauty of working the steps. They show me how to take my life back, one step at a time. Along with God, working the steps show me how to live. And how to act rather that react. How to be excited about what's ahead in my life.
I am grateful to be clean. 20 months tomorrow. Wow! 2 years ago I had just been in Austin, before the Pharmacy Board. Scared to death. Feeling like no one was on my side. Nothing was my fault. I was in control. Now? I'm sitting here shaking my head! Who was that girl? She was so sick. I believe it is a huge part of recovery for me to pass my story on to others. That's what was done for me & it helps refuel me today to pass on my experience, strength & hope. What a joy. What an honor. Now that is positive.

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-03-08T08:14:00.002-07:00

Ok, it's Sunday. I think I have that much right! My life in bullet points.

We had so much wind yesterday, our sky was brown. There has been almost no measurable moisture this winter. Two 1" snows. That's it. So, when the wind blows in the Texas Panhandle (and it does every day), it looked like the Dustbowl pics.
Lots of dust also means: ALLERGY problems. Runny nose, watery eyes, phttt feeling.
There is no wind today. Yeah!
Daughter didn't come home on her last Spring Break. Boo.
Husband's birthday is Wednesday. 59. Not a clue as to what he wants or needs. Boo.
Our friend, Robert, who had the heart attack 3 weeks ago & was pretty much dead? In a regular room now, with no tubes, no iv's, just heart monitor. Praise God. Thank-you to all who have been praying. He's not "well". He has a lot of damage that cannot be repaired.
Have had fun following this guy as he travels from Sacramento to Nashville across I-40. Helping his father-in-law move his stuff.
The Roadshow starts in 10 days. Billings, Mt. The website has TONS of info on who & where & other such info. I know I'm excited.
Still no job. No offers. Very few calls. Those calls are usually for jobs far, far away. Can't relocate without hubby. The economy is very scary.

Well, time flies when you're having fun. I am done with this post. And it hardly took any time. I think.

Positive Post Tuesday

2009-03-03T19:18:00.002-08:00

Here it is, Tuesday. What is positive? Well. The Rock & Worship Roadshow begins 2 weeks from tonight!!! I am so excited that I am going to skip my usual Tuesday night meeting, so I don't miss a thing that 1st night. My husband doesn't realize I'm getting ready to committ to this tour like I did last fall. He really thinks I've lost my mind! He has finally accepted that I am going to Dallas on April 3rd; my daughter hasn't, but that's her problem. It's exciting to think about meeting fellow twitterers. All because of the plan laid out by this guy. He is bringing the world together through the internet! It's a rockin' thing to be a part of.
I really tried to pay attention this past weekend to the streets around the American Airlines Center so I can do it by myself in a month. My daughter did all the driving & my husband rode shotgun. The police really have it organized before & after an event. Mapquest & igoogle maps are my friends!
The other positive thing is that our friend that suffered the massive coronary 2 & 1/2 weeks ago is in a regular room today! He came off the vent a week ago, the balloon pump Tuesday night, and most of the meds that had been keeping him alive. It is truly a miracle. The doctor said the latest tests show only 23% of his heart is damaged-not 70%. He was not expected to leave the hospital on the day he was admitted. I can never thank people enough for the prayers for this man they did not know. I have so many new friends & they are dear friends-even though we've never met. We have become a part of each other's lives. This is the future of relationships, I think. The internet has provided a forum from which we do develop relationships. And they are true & good.
It has been a good day. Even though I griped about doing laundry. My husband usually does it so I don't kill my back, but we were gone on Sunday (normal washin' day). I swear my dryer has the lowest & deepest hole to reach in to! I sometimes have to get a hanger to reach the stuff at the back! But, it's done & so am I today.

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-03-01T09:21:00.002-08:00

Good Sunday morning. It's time to throw out some bullets. It's all this guy's fault!

I'm in Dallas for a hockey game between the Dallas Stars & the Pittsburgh Penguins. We are Penguin fans. It's all Amanda wanted for Christmas.
It's chilly in Dallas. I wanted warmer weather. I think it's nicer in Amarillo.
I definitely chuckled when I checked this silly guy's SSS. He is a real nut when it comes to fun pictures.
I still don't have a job. I may apply to be a census taker person. I think that is a scary job.
I'm getting excited for The Rock & Worship Roadshow to get started! What a great line-up.
The above means a road trip back to Dallas on April 3rd. Hopefully meeting up with AkayaLivin4JC & silly4him (and her husband). And possibly katwomane327. We have never met; except thru twitter (and previous MM concerts on-line).
Heading to the mall. Imagine that! Then the game at 2pm. Then out to eat somewhere in Dallas.
Ate at Pappadeux last night. It was spectacular. It's fun to come to the BIG city. Once in a while.

Talk to you all during the game. Have a great day!

Positive Post Tuesday

2009-02-24T14:52:00.002-08:00

After yesterday's celebration of life for our friend, Gerry, who passed away last Wednesday night from an unknown cause, I needed some real positive news. Almost forgot it was Tuesday. We did see a lot of friends we haven't seen in a while at the funeral yesterday. It was great to reconnect. It just wasn't the right way to see them. Good stories & good times. There was even a BBQ last night. It's what Gerry wanted!
My positive news is about our other friend, Robert. With a not-so-good prognosis, Robert's condition seemed somewhat hopeless. Didn't get to the hospital yesterday with the funeral. Ted came home & said they were talking about taking Robert off the vent today. They had tried that last week, but Robert couldn't tolerate it. Got to the hospital about 12:30 this afternoon & they had extubated Robert! He was breathing on his own! PTL. Prayers from so many have been so helpful.
He still has a badly damaged heart. He still has wires & tubes everywhere. He still has a balloon pump helping his heart pump, but it too is being backed off, to see if his heart can do it's thing. He responded well to commands. Nodding his head yes & shaking it for no. (duh). He can't move too much because of the balloon pump, but he is over a big hump.
Another positive is that I picked Amanda up at the airport on Friday. She flew home to be a D-now leader for her home church. She had the 6th grade girls. They had 130 kids total (middle thru high school); the most ever. She has such a heart for this kind of work. She will be bored if she can't find the right church after graduation! We picked her up after church Sunday & Ted cooked a great Sunday dinner before we headed back to the airport. And we see her again this weekend. We're going to Dallas to cash in her Christmas present. A hockey game between our Pittsburgh Penguins & the Dallas Stars. Pittsburgh was last in Dallas 2 years ago. They won. We even had seat around some other Pens fans.
My last positive thing. Warm & no wind outside today. It's February, not May. But, I'll take it. This is the day the Lord has made and it is good.

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-02-22T17:28:00.002-08:00

Last week when I tried to do the "cool" thing & pull the guidelines for SSS from this guy's blog, it didn't look right, so this week if you have any questions, go here. This has been a tough week, so I apologize if any of seems sucky.

A great friend, Gerry, died this week. 56 years old. Younger than my husband. Pneumonia. It's just wrong. Funeral is tomorrow.
My husband's other good friend, Robert, is still in CCU. In critical. 56 years old. Prognosis not so good.
I should have better prepared Amanda before I took her to see Robert on Friday. He is hooked up to about 10 IV's, a ventilator, a balloon pump, just to mention a few. She did better today.
My brother's mother-in-law went home after 2 weeks. She begins chemo in a couple of weeks.
On a brighter side. Amanda was home for the weekend to be a leader of 6th grade girls for her home church's D-now weekend. I think in 10 years she has forgotten what it's like to be 12!
No SSS next week for me. Driving to Dallas Saturday to meet Amanda for a hockey game on Sunday. The Pittsburgh Penguins come to play the Dallas Stars. It was all she asked for at Christmas. She is her daddy's little girl!

Thank-you to those who have been prayer warriors these past couple of weeks. You have given me a calm I couldn't haven't gotten anywhere else.

Positive Post Tuesday

2009-02-17T10:55:00.002-08:00

After reading a friend's post today I got to thinking about the testimony I used to give as a 20-something. In the past 19 months God has been working one minor miracle after another. The greatest thing has been learning NOT to worry and not to be paranoid. I'm still working on the latter, although it has improved.
In college I gave my testimony a lot in conjunction with Campus Crusade for Christ activities. I started out with talking about my worry beads (my grandmother gave me that visual). How many beads long it used to be! God took those beads away, one at a time. I learned a lesson each time a bead left the necklace. What a positive experience I gained from sharing my testimony! It's hard to believe it's been 30 years ago. I must be getting older. Ha!
Somewhere along the way in those 30 years, I become lost. Getting married, having a child, working, traveling with child for volleyball. So many distractions. I eventually filled that spiritual void with drugs. But, they were prescribed! I did NOT have a problem; it was everyone else in the world. When faced with losing my license, I chose treatment. I discovered that God had always been there. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Waiting for me to remember what I had been missing. Even through all the adversity, God remained with me. I have learned so much about myself. I found my faith again. I found my God again. I found that I could refill that spiritual void!
Another friend who loves tweet inspiring quotes all day, had a great quote that works with PPT. Today is a quote from him: "What good is success unless you're enjoying life and positively impacting others?"- Jason Mitchener
I am now enjoying my life again! And I am positively impacting others through the way I am living life again. Especially other addicts. I take my 12 step program seriously. It charges me with giving back. God charges me with giving back. For my spirit to be full again, I must give back unconditionally. It's not an ego thing. It's a heartfelt thing. It's being a positive thing.
I can't go back and change anything. I wouldn't want to change anything. Everything that has happened has helped me to grow. I found myself again. Not that numbed person I was for so long. Moving through life day-to-day, mechanically. I want to leave a positive footprint that others might find comforting.

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-02-15T14:38:00.003-08:00

You know, Sunday's seem to just jump out quicker each week. Do I have random thoughts? It's been a rough week. So, as Sir Brody says:

"Welcome to sunday. You all know how this works, and if you don’t this is the day where random things floating around in my head end up on here because really, who’s reading blogs on Sunday? Feel free to join in on your own Stats Suck Sunday by writing something random on your blog and filling out the box below. The point is, there’s no point. So here we go."

My husband's best bud, Robert, had a massive coronary Friday morning at work. Good thing is he over maintenance in the rehab hospital/nursing home my husband runs the hospital part at.
There are some awesome nurses in that facility. The cardiologist said he wouldn't have made it to the regular hospital without the care he received there!
As it was he still coded twice. Once in the cath lab. He had 3 or 4 major arteries completely blocked. Due to his critical state, they only took the time to open 1 vessel. He is on a vent & in CCU hooked up to so much stuff.
Saturday his kidneys started shutting down & he started running a temp & he needed insulin. All of these things are an unfortunate part of a heart attack's rage inside the body. He was in critical, but stable condition.
I sent out a tweet for pray starting on Friday. God is soooo good. Today his kidneys are slowing starting to remember they need to get fluid OUT of his body. The fluid on his lungs has cleared. The CT scan shows no brain bleeds or stroke. He is squeezing his wife's hand.
He is still sedated as to not fight the vent.
Another very good friend of ours is down the hall in ICU, also on a vent, with pneumonia. All 3 of these guys (my husband, Robert, & Gerry) worked at this hospital many moons ago. They are all similar in age. It has been very humbling and a jolt of reality that life gives us hurdles that seem unjumpable. (just made that word up). Guys this young (mid- to late-50's) shouldn't get this ill.
I am so grateful for everyone who has been keeping these great guys in your prayers. I'm getting teary eyed again, so I need to move on.
Valentine's Day consisted of checking on said friends. Also went to the stockyard to eat lunch. It is a real, live stockyard. With the best chicken-fried steak, best hamburger steak, and great mashed potatoes. We hadn't been in a long time, so I thought it a great Valentine dinner. I have a beautiful bouquet of flowers, too. All things spring. Tulips, roses, well you know.
Listening to Francesca Battiselli and it is lifting my spirits a little.
Daughter home next weekend, but not to visit mom & dad. For the 4th year in a row, she is coming home to be a facilitator for her old church's D-now weekend. Guess who gets to pick her up from airport? Hmmm. Then after church Sunday for a while til it's time to zip back to Dallas & drive back to Waco.
Two weeks from today, I will be watching the Pittsburgh Penguins take on the Dallas Stars in hockey. In Dallas. Amanda driving up to join us; it was, after all, her only request at Christmas. Can hardly wait. Haven't been this season. Hope Crosby is back in the line-up.
And how can I forget? The Rock & Worship Roadshow starts soon. The closet it comes to Amarillo is Oklahoma City (4 hours east) or Dallas (6 hours SE). Dallas may win out because it is a central location to 3 woman I have met through blogging & twittering since Mercyme's tour last fall. Here's the funny thing. The Roadshow & the hockey game are in the same venue. A month apart. Hockey one Sunday, The Roadshow on a Friday.

Have a great week and please keep Robert (and his family & my husband) in your prayers, that he continue to heal so they can go back & repair the other blocked arteries. Thanks, guys. Your strength sustains me.

Positive Post Tuesday

2009-02-10T14:35:00.002-08:00

Today is supposed to be a positive post according to the rules. Sometimes it's hard to pick out the glimpses of positiveness from the day. I'm going to try, because I know that when I write about it or talk about, I will feel better.
As the 2 or 3 of you that keep up with my blog, you know I'm an addict in recovery & unemployed. Unemployed because of the "rules" that have to be followed if I'm to work as a pharmacist for you. I only mention the unemployed part because I'm whiny. And because I have a lot of free time on my hands. Means more meetings, more service work, and more time with my sponsee.
My phone rang last night at 9:59. It was my sponsee. She had originally called at 7:20 & I missed her call. She left a voice mail & I called her right back. No answer. Tried again at 9:00, no answer. Then a call at 9:59. She was in tears. She had been to the liquor store & bought, not only a 1/2 gallon of vodka, but a smaller bottle, too. She is in a half-way house & has a 10:00 curfew, let alone no alcohol or drugs on the premises. She left the 1/2 gallon in her car & once the door is locked at the house, you are in for the night.
There was very little I could do last night. I called my sponsor for advice. She reminded me that if my sponsee was going to relapse & was set for relapse, that I could not stop her. That is a hard pill (forgive the pun) to swallow. I want to help everybody! I know I can't work her program of recovery for her. She has to make choices based on her recovery. I can only offer advice and what I see as safe choices.
Thankfully she dumped the small bottle down the drain and had a very sleepless night, as did I. I made a specific time to meet this morning. It turned into an all day event. But that's ok, if I helped her make a better choice.
We went to the local donut shop & visited for 2 hours. We discussed the possibility of her leaving the Amarillo area. Sometimes recovering addicts need to change people, places, and things. We went to the noon NA meeting. Oddly enough, it was about Step 2. How to develop a relationship with a "higher power". Soooo many addicts have such a negative view of religon & God. And it's hard as a Christian to not get all "religious" with newcomers. It's more about learning to trust again. Trust yourself, trust God. We parted ways just before her 3:00 appointment with her counselor.
Sometimes I feel so human & inadequate! Oh, wait, I am! The positive spin is that my sponsee didn't relapse last night or this morning. I dumped the 1/2 gallon of vodka this afternoon. Had to break the seal. She didn't. Hopefully something I said or did encouraged her today. I still feel inadequate, but I know God had me say some things to her that I'm sure I wouldn't have probably said otherwise. I don't like the role of sponsor. I KNOW I have experience, strength, & hope to share. The more I pray, the more confident I am that the right words will come out of my mouth. I also know that I grow, not only in my own recovery, but also my walk with God.
I am so glad that my "higher power" is God. And I'm glad to share that with anyone. I know what He's done in my life, even when I wouldn't admit it. God has taken away my obsession with my drugs of choice. My sponsee is confused as to why He hasn't for her. I don't have the answer, but I know that He did it for me. I don't even remember asking Him. It just happened. I like sharing that. It is NOT just a coincidence. Since I work with my drugs of choice (when I'm working, that is) every day I am thrilled not to be scared to work around these drugs. I think God has done this for me so I can give back to others in recovery. I don't know how, but I know if I need that information, God would deliver.
I hope & pray that the choices I make today will reflect in my work ethic again. That people will trust me and not judge me. That is not anyone else's job. I know I am a different person than I was 2 years ago (thank goodness). and that I can help others with my story.

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-02-08T08:23:00.003-08:00

Well, here we are at another Sunday. But, no real football on today. Only the Pro-Bowl. What a let-down after last weeks tremendous Super Bowl. Another last minute finish. Lucky for me!

Still no job. Lots of paperwork to keep up with unemployment. Yuck.
My friend, Lisa, sent out a tweet earlier with the following Bible verses: 2 Cor. 4:7-9. Reminding me that no matter what is thrown at me, that I am a child of God, and I will persevere and not be crushed. Thanks, Lisa. Good choice for me today.
Going to a baby shower for a 20 year old that I went thru treatment with. She has had her ups & downs over the 18 months I've known her. She has relapsed several times, but has stayed clean while pregnant. Please keep her in your prayers. She is a lost child.
What is up with winter in the Texas Panhandle? We have had two brief 1 inch snow & ice storms. That's it. No 6-8 inch storm here this winter. Lucky? Yes, but we need moisture terribly. Husband actually mowed the yard yesterday! Today, rain, hail, etc. Tuesday, snow is forecast! Crazy weather.
Listening to Jason Mraz makes me happy!
Met up with some friends on MMTV the other night. It was so fun to catch up & exchange twitter info. We talked for an hour after the concert was over! Thanks, Brody, for the twitter!
The economy really stinks right now. It makes me sad.

Guess that's it. Like I said, with no football, my afternoon has no purpose! Not! Always time for meditation and working my steps. I am such a procrastinator!

Positive Post Tuesday

2009-02-03T07:44:00.002-08:00

I guess the most positive thing I can think of today is that the Pittsburgh Steelers won the Super Bowl on Sunday. What a game!
I made pepperoni pizza and some awesome queso. It was just my husband & I, so I didn't want to make too much. It was just right! And the pizza was great. Didn't make any dessert. Would have loved a brownie, but with just the 2 of us, they get dried out before we can finish them.
Had a great time twittering during the game. Three months ago the word twitter didn't exist in my vocabulary. Now? At almost the same time yesterday two of my twitter friends sent out different articles on where twittering is in the scheme of things. Mainstream or not and when will it become mainstream. Just because a bunch of celebs have @ addresses doesn't mean I'm going to follow them. Doesn't interest me. I want to stay connected with other Christian women (and men). It's great to hear what Christian bands are doing, too. I have made some fast friends through twitter. It is a part of my day. A way to stay connected and encouraged. I may even meet 3 of them at the Rock & Worship Road Show in Dallas on April 3rd. From Little Rock to Amarillo to San Antonio. We met through MM Slob roll and continue to stay connected pretty much every day.
The first time I was on the MM site to watch the concerts streaming live. This guy was telling us to twitter everyone we knew & tell them to join us in the chat room. What is twitter I asked? The rest is history. It's not about the numbers to me, it's about the connection. It's about being lifted up in prayer when needed. It's about every day struggles and encouragement from people I've never met. It's about our kids, our families, our jobs (or lack thereof). It's one of the positive forces in my life.
The funny thing about twitter? My husband thinks I've lost my mind. He has finally accepted my twittering. Kind of like he's accepted my recovery! My daughter just thinks I've lost my mind. I think her concern is that I will twitter someone she knows and embarrass her. She doesn't twitter (as far as I know) but she has a few friends that do (because they're in the dc*b). I promised her I wouldn't follow their twitters. I can respect that. Our worlds overlapping is just too much for her, I guess!
Keeping my spirit up while job hunting is hard some days. I would much rather be working than working to find a job! It doesn't pay much! I know so much is my own doing. I broke that trust that employers put in me and it's hard for them to accept that I am a recovering addict. I have to prove it, but they still don't understand. I know God has the perfect place for me, but I'm so impatient! I must stay vigilant in my recovery and my walk with God. His hands are always there, whether I can feel them or not. Keep me in your prayers. Thanks.

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-02-01T08:39:00.002-08:00

Today is not just another Sunday. It's Super Bowl Sunday! The Steeler Nation is alive & revived. The terrible towels will be waving all across the stadium in Tampa.

Steeler football is mighty.
You can never have too many terrible towels.
There is never enough queso for my chips.
I make a mean pizza.
I have my lucky Steeler socks on. But, not my #43 Polamalu jersey.
My husband is already a nervous wreck (but would NEVER admit such an emotion).
My step-daughter found some really fun you-tube videos this week about the Steeler anthems. And even how to say Polamalu!
Still no job.

That's all, at least until the game is over. Short & sweet. Besides, I gotta go do some stuff before the game. :)

Positive Post Tuesday

2009-01-27T12:33:00.002-08:00

Am trying to stay positive (and prayerful) for Bart & Shannon Millard. (Mercyme frontman & wife). They have a sweet baby girl born in December, Sophie, who has contracted RSV. She has been in the hospital several days & had to be moved to ICU overnight. Keep them in your prayers. Those of us who spent the month of November following the MM crew as they toured on live, streaming video, became acutely aware of Sophie's impending birth. Daddy loves those kids! Bart kept us posted via twitter. Who does that? What a love for their fans! Gotta love twitter!
Some mmSLOBs are calling for prayer & fasting tomorrow, Wednesday, Jan 28th. Do what you can to lift this family up. I know they feel the power of our prayers. "We" is so much stronger than "me".
Went up the icy road to the TWC (Tx Workforce Commission) this morning. Mandatory job training when applying for unemployment benes. Was really, really BORED. And I get to go back again tomorrow for Part II. What joy, what fun. But, we need the income.
Please, does someone need a recovering addict Pharmacist? I am really in recovery-18 months clean. Working on Step 3, serving in several areas, and being a sponsor, too. Have worked at 2 independent pharmacies and have good references. And I'm really fun to work with. Try me, you'll like me! :)
Amanda got her 1st request for an interview letter this past week. Woo, hoo, the job hunt starts! I am excited for her. She still has so much to give to the people of this world. Both intellectually and spiritually. She loves kids, she love sports, she loves serving the Lord anywhere He puts her. Even as children's church director (volunteer position) while carrying a full load her last semester and working at the Student Life Center on campus.
Amanda just texted from work. She just set up a time for the interview in Austin!! Friday, this week. It's a marketing firm that does event planning for sporting events. They are trying to hire 12 new people because of growing business. Keep her in your prayers. Thanks.
Guess that's it for today. As I finish listening to Addison Road's "Hope Now". "your love sets me free".

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-01-25T08:21:00.002-08:00

Wow, it's Sunday again. Funny how that seems to roll around every 7 days. Sitting here, under a warm blankie, trying to sort thru random thoughts. This guy does it best, although this lady also does a nice job.

Super Bowl Sunday is still a whole week away. :(
Nice story on the Rooney family (they own the Steelers) in our little, local Sunday sports section. Woo hoo.
Still job hunting. Have to go to TWC for "seminars" on how to write resumes, etc. BORING, but necessary for unemployment.
My 22 year old got her 1st letter about setting up an interview for a job after graduation in May. Big woo hoo. With a marketing/events company in Austin.
My 3 year old granddaughter was bored the other day & asked mom could she empty the dishwasher. And she did. Put everything away she could-and in the right place!
Had unseasonable WARM weather again this past week. About 20 to 25 degrees above normal. Still no measurable precip since Dec 10th. DRY.
Time to be writing my mandatory, quarterly report to the Tx State Board of Pharmacy. Telling them what I've been doing the past 3 months. How many NA meetings, work, attitude, etc. Maybe I could do it like SSS! Nah, there at little too serious for bullets.
It's laundry day. My sweet, sweet husband does it all. My back can't do it all in one day anymore. Time for me to shower-I'm getting a glare-it's in-between loads-and if I don't want to share my water, I'd better hurry, or he'll start another load. He doesn't like stoppage in his routine!

That's all. Is it Super Bowl Sunday yet? The Steeler Nation awaits.

Positive Post Tuesday

2009-01-20T08:12:00.002-08:00

Inauguration Day, 2009.
It doesn't matter anymore who you voted for, we must keep in prayer this new administration! Everyone has their opinion, but as this guy reminded us earlier today, not to set our expectations on this new President too high.
Something I have learned in recovery is just that. Setting expectations too high will be followed by a big letdown. I have had to relearn how not to set those expectations so high. It is through prayer and working the steps that is working for me. Being such a self-centered and selfish person only leads to disappointment. It's how an addict likes to live. With life in chaos. Nobody can do things the "right" way. I am so glad that I don't live that lie of a life anymore!
Expectations are still needed. I still need to set goals for myself. If I don't, I have nothing to achieve. It has been hard to "scale back". I want to achieve much more in my life. God is there every step, never leaving my side. He has given me such a blessed life in recovery.
My prayers for this new administration is just such a life. We must not expect things to change by tomorrow. Many people have already put unattainable expectations on Mr. Obama. That is so ridiculous! He is not going to change things overnight like many think. Tomorrow is a new day, but no laws will change effective tomorrow. I am tired of people saying that. Mr. Obama is the new President. Pray for him, as you would for any President. He is just a man. Not a scary man. Give him a chance before condeming his ideas.

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-01-18T19:37:00.002-08:00

Steelers Win, Steelers Win!!!!!!!!!!!!

Steelers win the AFC and are marching back to the Super Bowl in Tampa on February 1,2009.
When the Steelers win the Super Bowl they will become the most winning team in Super Bowl history.
Loved it when my man, Troy Polamalu, intercepting AND taking it in for a touchdown!
Still no job. Applied for unemployment this week. Never have done that before.
Attended our Area NA meeting today and was nominated for a small regional position. It's amazing what happens sometimes. One of those God things. Again! So many opportunities, I just have to pay attention.
Now I have to attend Area, instead of flipping a coin every month. It is also highly suggested to attend Regional meetings every other month. Our region is HUGE. Next meeting is 7 hours away. Gotta love West Texas. Especially cuz it's so far east it's almost in Austin. My husband thinks I'm just a little nuts!
Can't get 3D's song "Revalation" out of my head. Love the words to that song. I so feel I haven't got a clue so much of the time.
Wish there were some Christian concerts closer than 4 hours away (OKC) this spring. Dallas is 6 hours, Albuquerque is 5 hours. That stinks.
Gorgeous week ahead. Still no winter here. 15 to 20 degrees above normal all week long. Only had the one small snowstorm back on December 9th or 10th. Only precip in about 3 & 1/2 months.

Sometimes I hate "living life on life's terms". There are good days & bad, but no longer a blur. I celebrated 18 months without pain meds this past week. That's a long time in addict time. So many people have been in & out of the program in 18 months. Some have never come back. That's why I love to give back to the program. If I reach just 1 person, that is a victory.
Have a great week. Until next SSS.....

Positive Post Tuesday

2009-01-13T15:15:00.000-08:00

I've decided to make my PPT like SSS:

Steelers won on Sunday (in case you didn't read my SSS on Sunday)
My friend Lisa has her "hot list" on Total Axxess tonight. I've got a prior commitment, but another friend is recording it just for me. \0/
We are still above normal for our winter temps, unlike much of the country. So little moisture that burn bans are in effect.
My daughter is in her final semester of college (we hope). She just left Friday to go back to school. It was her last long stay at home (we hope).
Still no job prospects, but I believe I am supposed to be learning about humility. As a teenager, my parents struggled financially. I lived humbly then, but as I became my own person I forgot about those lean days. Until now. I hate feeling inadequate. Continuing to take those steps of faith is so important. God is good and He alone will walk step for step with me. What a great peace that gives me.
I get great encouragement from friends I've never met. From Hawaii to Nebraska. From Indiana to Florida. From all over Texas. Thanks.
I also find great solace in the variety of music I listen to. Including MYNH. I'm always up for music I've never heard!
My greatest peace comes when I just stop and listen. When I stop and remember who's arms I've got around me. The One who's arms are big enough for us all. The One who knows my every need. Feels my every sadness. Rejoices in my leaps of faith.
It's almost time for Wordless Wednesday. Whew!

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-01-11T16:39:00.000-08:00

It is Super Sunday!!!!!!

Steelers win, Steelers win.

Does anything else matter?
Wore my Steeler socks today, guess they are luckier that my Polamalu Starter shirt.
Have about 6 terrible towels to pick from; 5 or 6 gold, 1 black.
Even have the green weanie if needed. (don't ask)
Had THE best chicken noodle soup last night. Broth frozen on Thanksgiving from boiling the carcass with veggies. And making homemade egg noodles. My sore forearms are proof of how thin those noodles were. mmmmm.
What a weekend. ALMOST every visiting team won. One guess on who did not!!
Baltimore in Pittsburgh for 2nd time this season. Next Sunday. Don't be late.
Steelers beat Baltimore twice already.
Yes, this guy's team beat the Steelers this season. Not to worry that they got beat by Baltimore yesterday. \0/ \0/ \0/
Am wondering, just ever so little, why do I not have a job? I know part of it is that God is trying to teach me humility right now. I really hate those kind of reminders. I relate it to weakness. I know it isn't, but it sure feels that way sometimes.
Why must I be so stubborn & resistant to change? Because I need to be in control? I do not. I just need to listen and learn.
Oh, and in case you forgot....STEELERS WIN,STEELERS WIN!!!!
Learned something new about my blog. I linked 2 little words to somebody else's blog! Woo,hoo.

Everyone have a wonderful week & remember: STEELERS WIN, STEELERS WIN. : )

Positive Post Tuesday

2009-01-06T15:41:00.000-08:00

I am so blessed to be on this journey I'm on. It is only by God's grace that I am where I am in my life. If I had continued on the rocky path of addiction, the results could have been more devastating than they were. Now that I have taken my life back, I can see the path much better. Numbing my pain & my mind had me walking through a mine field. That feeling of being all alone, lost, and confused is not something I want to dwell on, but finally recognizing I had a problem was so freeing.
Realizing I was lost, but had not lost the spiritual principles I already knew, was a great relief. Re-connecting with God was an even greater relief. He never left me. He never judged me. He never forgot about me when I had clearly forgotten about Him. His strength and encouragement sometimes overwhelms me. He has sent the most wonderful people into my path in the past 18 months. It brings tears to my eyes to think of all the blessings from those people. People from all walks of life, people from all across the Continental US & HI, people I never would have met had I not fallen.
Does that mean I'm glad I'm an addict in recovery? Not really, but this was and is God's plan for me. I must continue the walk along this path, that only God knows. If I try to venture out alone, He will somehow remind me to get my rear back on the path. He has the map, if I would just quit being so human and ignoring the signs along the way!
I can read the map a whole lot better with the encouragement of others and not on my own. Life is not meant to be a journey alone. Thank goodness for the journey with friends.

The New Year has officially started

2009-01-05T12:55:00.000-08:00

How can starting a new year be so exciting and a big letdown at the same time?

Still no job prospects, but I stay encouraged. If I am working my 12 step program and "establishing a matter of authority" each day, how can I not stay encouraged.
Can't remember where I saw this is the past couple of days, either twitter or someone's blog, but it should be the mantra of all. "Aspire to inspire before you expire". If I could just live my life according to the way Jesus did, I can be inspiring to someone every day.
Have seen a lot of "whining" today, not only because it's Monday, but many people have gone back to work after being off over the holidays. I wish I had work to whine about!
The Steelers play San Diego this weekend. Can hardly wait.
Ole Miss beat Texas Tech in the Cotton Bowl. That was unexpected!
I have met some wonderful people through this internet thing. I just wish I lived close enough to meet them.
My daughter will graduate from COLLEGE in May. Seems we just had a graduation party when she graduated high school in 2005. Where did these 4 years go? My wonderful teenager is now 22 & has lived on her own for 3 years already. Hard to say, but my baby has grown up.
Even with all this encouragement, I somehow feel down. Maybe meeting with my sponsor tonight will help with that. Maybe paying attention to what I have read and typed today will help lift me up.
Sometimes it's hard to pray when I'm feeling like this, because I don't feel worthy of God's grace. It's so parallel to the way addiction "speaks" to a recovering addict. The evil in this world so wants to rule my life and I do not want that. I am worthy. I know that, but that "little voice" is sometimes so darn loud.
I haven't seen my parents in 2 years. They live about 7 hours from me & I am expected to be the one to come to them. Yes, they are 78, but they travel with a 5th-wheel 4 or 5 months out of the year, so they are able-bodied (for the most part). Why not stop here? We can't always take vacation days at the last minute to come for the weekend. It goes both ways. I could go on, but that really isn't my focus today. It is some of the reason I'm a little down, though.
A friend is reminding me via twitter, to "count it pure joy, when the world comes crashing". The song by MM, "Alright". Gave me a smile. Thanks, Evan.
I really am excited about growing in my walk with God and so excited for all the new input I'm getting from all my friends, both internet & NA friends. I am a beautiful child of God.

2009 will go as God has planned. It is up to me to listen for the directions. Why is that so hard sometimes. Because I'm human. As a human, I will make mistakes, I will forget to listen, but God will NEVER go another direction. He always has my back; to catch me when I trip & fall along the path. Thank goodness.

Stats Suck Sunday

2009-01-04T13:31:00.000-08:00

What to throw out there? Sometimes it is hard to get started, but then once I get going, it just kind of flows. It's that first thing that needs to grab a reader (and me!).

Steelers play San Diego next weekend (at home). Get those terrible towels out & wave them proudly!
Still have no job & no propects. Sometimes I get discouraged, but I know that with patience and friends who believe in me, I will survive. Brody & Kristin had a tough year & I look how far Brody's dream has blossomed. Their faith encourages me.
My daughter is home for 4 more days. Classes restart on the 12th. Her last "Christmas break". Next year she'll have to request days off from work (I hope). She loves marketing & event planning and the Dallas area.
I wish there were some concerts coming Amarillo's way this spring, but it's not looking good for my favs to come here.
I'm thinking about the Aquire the Fire tour in Ok City. Hmmm. Gotta get a J-O-B first.
Wondering why it was 73 yesterday & 33 so far today. And that Texas Panhandle wind just never quits. Wind chill must be in teens.
Still laughing about Randy and his scooter. Last Sunday he left the keys in it, this Sunday involved a downpour. Sorry Randy.
So excited that my alma mater, Ole Miss, won the Cotton Bowl! What happened to that jewel of a team from Texas Tech? I have no idea, but Ole Miss came to play.
Did I mention I'm cold?
Taking down Christmas decorations makes me sad.
Left out a few snowmen, because we've had almost no snow so far, and I needed a reminder that it's winter. (other than the fact that it's cold outside)
Hope my pic is not on hundreds of blogs.
Daughter still thinks her mother has lost her mind, with all this twittering & blogging & reading other peoples blogs & watching the same concert over & over. But, they are different every night.

Guess that's enough for one Sunday. Living life on life's terms gives me a headache sometimes and I must remember that I only live for today. Yesterday is gone & tomorrow isn't here yet. And God has my back. There's a lesson to be learned every day, but I sometimes to forget listen for the message. I want to become a better listener.

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T11:41:00.000-08:00

What lies ahead in this new year, 2009? I have read 4 or 5 blogs today and chaired an NA meeting at noon. That God thing is happening today. Everything to me had a theme. It's ok to be excited & plan ahead, but stay vigilant that it is God's plan, too. I sometimes get so caught up what I'm doing I forget to ask God is this what I'm supposed to be doing!?
My biggest plan is to find a job. Where does God want me? I don't know, but I must remain vigilant in my listening for Him. I must guard against those "little voices" that could destroy my plans.
My daughter will graduate from Baylor in May. I am excited for her and what she will be doing 6 months from now! It's scary for her & me, but again she must remain vigilant and listen for God's plan. It may not be what she wants to do, but I know she will end up where God wants her to be. She is focusing on the Dallas area. She wants to do event planning type stuff with her degree in Marketing. Keep her in your prayers.
Repairing relationships is another "wish" for the New Year. Not damaged because of my addiction, but a parent with a hard heart. It seems to harden more with each passing year. She has missed 1 grandaughter's graduation from college (my niece in May) and the same grandaughter getting married (in August). She is on track to miss my daughter's graduation. Because she's mad at me. Over something petty. She loves to make herself miserable and it's hard sometimes not to get caught up in her drama. There, again, is the need for vigilance. I cannot go down in flames. I will not go down in flames. But, it's hard. I want so bad for her to accept her mistakes & turn them over to God. I can't make her do anything, but I can pray for her. It's her choice, not mine. I don't understand, but I must trust God has His reasons. Keep her in your prayers.
Stay vigilant and remember to never let that guard down. God has our back, so don't forget He's right there, right now, for always.

Goodbye 2008, Hello New Year

2008-12-31T13:40:00.000-08:00

2008 was not a fantastic year, but it was better than 2007. It started out rocky with my husband out of work. In March we were both out of work. In May we both went back to work, but Ted was in Colorado & I remained in Amarillo. It was tough. He would drive up each Monday morning & come back to Amarillo on Friday night. It took a toll on us both. I found a job working part-time at an independent pharmacy. As part of the probation on my license, I must work at least 20 hours a week. When I am unemployed that time gets tacked on to the amount of time my license is on probation.
Prayers were answered in June when a job in Amarillo came open & Ted could give notice in Colorado & come home to stay! I am glad, because after 19 years in this house, I did NOT want to clean out closets! They scare me.
I was laid off in November. I'm still trying to figure out God's plan there. Why is it we don't get a memo when we don't understand. What is the lesson here? I don't know yet, but I know there is one & a plan that will bring me to a new journey. Faith, not fear. Faith, not fear. Faith, not fear.
2008 was the 1st full year without narcotics. Some days are easier than others. God have given me a strength that is sometimes hard to explain to others. Probably because it overwhelms me. The easiest way for me to explain my life, is to just to live my life each day the way I think God wants me to. It isn't always easy. The greatest part of all of this is the urge to steal from my employer is gone! That can only come from God. And from me following a program of recovery. It is the only way to keep my license & continue doing what I love to do. I miss working.
In 10 days I will have 18 months clean. I love the 12 step program I'm following. I love being of service within that fellowship. Anything is possible! Learning how to "live life on life's terms" is a one-day-at-a-time process. I can't change what I did yesterday and I sure can't worry about tomorrow-it's not even here yet. Focus on today. Staying clean, helping another addict, praising God for what I have today. 2009 is going to be wonderful.

Positive Post Tuesday

2008-12-30T09:37:00.000-08:00

Well it is Tuesday and I will be positive, whether I want to or not. "Living life on life's terms" is a daily motto of recovery. In less than 2 weeks I will have 18 months without pain pills & my favorite muscle relaxer! It has not always been easy. The fact that I'm a pharmacist and work around these drugs all day long has got to be scary for those I work for & with. It's scary for me sometimes. I would be lying if I said it wasn't.
I stole from my employer, I lied to everyone (doctors, family, co-workers, myself), and I self-medicated until I couldn't see me anymore. I did things that embarrassed my family. I haven't come far enough to make amends yet, but I continue to work every day to get to that step. I know I can't change any of my actions, but I can live for today & make living amends as I go.
God never left me during my addiction. It was hard to feel all He had to offer when I was numb from drugs. There was no clear mind with which to listen to any message He was giving me. God was and is patient with me. For that I am grateful and positive that I become a better wife, a better mom, a better co-worker, and a better me. God took that craving away. He can keep it. It's hard to explain how good it feels not to want to take those drugs anymore. Only someone like God can take that craving away. Wow.
I am thankful God has my back and that He brought me into a 12 step program that is reteaching me how to live. God made me the way I am and followed me into the desert of my addiction. No one else did. No one else knows what I was really feeling. It seemed like no one cared anymore. People have come into my life in the past 17 & 1/2 months that are awesome. People I never would have met if I hadn't been "forced" into recovery. God is great!
Last night I drove an hour north of Amarillo to attend an NA meeting that some friends started about 6 weeks ago. There were 7 people in attendance. It was neat to meet some new people and see the need for a meeting closer to their homes. A lot of people have to drive for an hour or more to get to a meeting. The Texas Panhandle is pretty big. Please pray for this couple, that they remain devoted and continue to grow in their recovery. "Personal recovery depends on NA unity" was kind our topic last night. We can not recover alone. Being alone is dangerous ground. Only with the help of God and other recovering addicts, can I grow in my walk with God & recovery. It is this unity that works.

Stats Suck Sunday

2008-12-28T15:18:00.000-08:00

Had a small Christmas. Just a few stocking gifts between the 3 of us.
Big gift is that tickets go on sale in morning for the Penguins/Stars hockey game on March 1 in Dallas. That's all Amanda wanted. We try to go when the Penguins are in Dallas. We'll make a weekend out of it.
Still no job or job prospects.
Finances suck.
Steelers win, Steelers win.
Cowboys really, really suck today. Hip, Hip, Horray!
Need to clean closets while Amanda is home.
Spare bedroom has turned into a giant walk-in closet since Amanda took bed to Waco. It really needs some organization.
Tree will need to come down soon. :(
It seems to take longer to pack it all back up til next year.
We did take a Christmas pic.
Christmas cards WILL go out this week. Thanks, Amanda.
I feel whiny, but I guess that's what SSS is for, right?
We are having Amanda's fav meal from her mom: Chicken & Dumplings

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T11:37:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to one & all. We had a very small Christmas this year. But, it was great. The 3 of us just did stocking gifts for each other. Our big present is a group gift. All our 22 year old daughter wanted for Christmas is hockey tickets for the Penguins/Stars game in March. That is 3 tickets, a trip to Dallas for Mom & Dad, motel room, food, etc. Tickets don't even go on sale until Monday!
Yesterday Ted & Amanda did their annual pierogy making thing. They have been doing this little process for almost 10 years. I just watch. They have it down. Dad rolls out the dough & cuts the dough. Amanda plops the potato/cheese mixture in the middle & crimps the edges. They she plops them in the boiling water. Then we have fish, pierogies, and veggies for dinner. It's kind of a Polish thing. I love pierogies; could eat them all the time. Store bought ones just aren't the same. I found a website for a company in New England that makes them & ships them fresh. Mmmmm.
Today we are making ham, potato casserole, hot fruit compote, and veggies for dinner. Can't wait! Oh, and I made a chocolate chess pie. Haven't made it in a long time. It was chocolaty good! With fresh whipped cream. Mmmmmm. Short & sweet today.

Positive Post Tuesday

2008-12-23T19:15:00.000-08:00

I attempted this once today and the flashing cursor gave way to the screensaver. Why is it some days are harder than others to think of something to say. Then I read someone's PPT about humility, although the word was never mentioned, it sure sounded like a lesson in being humble.
It's hard for an addict to be humble, even harder as a recovering addict. You have to relearn those things that took up residence in the back of your brain, along with a lot of other ethical things I was raised with. (I know, don't end a sentence with a preposition). When I first got clean, I couldn't just say thank-you. I was stubborn about people helping me. I snapped at people helping me. I could not see that it was just help. That person didn't want anything in return. They were just being gracious. I felt I had to explain my life story with every thank-you. It's still hard, but easier than it was 18 months ago.
It feels good to help someone again. I never want anything back. Sometimes don't see the end result of my help. I never know what I may have said in a meeting that someone actually listened to & used. I just know that it does happen, because it's happened to me. I may not use the advice today or even tomorrow, but I have it somewhere a little closer to the front of my brain function. It's no longer filed away, clouded by drugs, clouded by guilt & shame. It feels soooo good to give back and not expect something in return.
I have a friend who went to prison for vehicular manslaughter. It happened Fall '07. He never one time talked about it (afraid we could be called to testify later), never complained, and has lived his recovery 1 day at a time since March '08. He is 23 years old. He got 5 years in prison & will be eligible for parole in 2 & 1/2. Tonight at an Aftercare program at the out-patient treatment center we all went thru, we had a Christmas party. He was just sentenced in November and was moved yesterday from county jail to the state's intake center. His thoughts were of all of us. He had sent a 3 page letter to our counselor. I'm getting teary-eyed again! This kid is so full of life and has so much left to give back. He said recovery goes on in prison; albeit a little differently. His girlfriend & his dad came tonight, too. I actually knew what had happened, but didn't know when the case would be heard, etc., but he still never let on. He came to Aftercare, as usual on the 1st Tuesday night in November, and on Thursday, he was sentenced. I knew he hung on for a little longer with his hug that night! I stare at my stationery the same way I did this post. What to say. What advice to give that doesn't sound wrong. I feel bad I haven't written him. I was one of 4 people he mentioned by name in his letter. That makes me feel more guilty. He sounded so upbeat, so I know his Higher Power (who he chooses to call "dude") will keep him centered. I have to remember that any mail is probably great, even if I ramble.
As I am doing now! I think I'll rumble on to bed. This didn't really go where I thought it would, but it very rarely does!

Ramblings

2008-12-21T14:28:00.000-08:00

Really don't have a lot. Been a long week. Still no job prospects, but I know God will provide. I went thru treatment, not only because I was kinda forced into it, but because God had a new chapter for me to work on in the Life thing. It's hard to think sometimes that stealing from an employer would turn into something awesome. Losing your spiritual side really does happen in slow motion. At least for me it did. 18 months ago I was really angry at everyone around me. I certainly wasn't responsible for my actions. But, I was. It just took a little shake-up to return me to the sane world. A world where God was STILL there. How dumb to forget that He never left or abandoned me. It was exactly the opposite. It is such a warm feeling to feel His arms around me again and to know that this is all a part of a divine plan. I just don't know the whole plan. Wouldn't be able to learn if I had all the answers. Christmas is making me feel a little blue, but I must remember the "reason for the season".
On a lighter note, the wedding I went to Waco for was a beautiful ceremony. My daughter looked amazing. Of course, so did the bride! Getting there was a battle. While many flights the last 2 days have been cancelled due to snow & blizzard conditions, the problem on Thursday was FOG. My husband dropped me at airport in Amarillo at 6:30am for a 7:15 flight to Dallas. Then on to Waco by 11. Spend the afternoon with my daughter before she headed off to the rehearsal stuff. Oh, no. Because of fog flight didn't board til 10:15. Didn't leave til 11. Didn't land at DFW. Did fly back west to Abilene to refuel, along with larger jets and others. Actually before I left Amarillo there were flights being diverted here to refuel. Finally landed at DFW at 3:15. 2 flights to Waco cancelled. Finally got on last flight & into Waco at 9:30pm. 15 hours & I was having really bad spasms.
Stayed up & visited. Boy, was Amanda's bed comfy! Got up & visited some more. Then she left for bridesmaid lunch & pics. Wedding at 6. Left me her car keys. Had lunch & came back to change for wedding. Two of her best friends, who have known & dated each other for longer than college, said "I do". The look on the faces & in their eyes was so exciting. It's great when you can marry your best friend & finally call them husband or wife. My daughter cried. They are now on the beach in Antigua! Should make us all a little jealous!
Drove home yesterday (Sat). About 6 & 1/2 hour drive. Only got tired of Amanda's ipod when she decided T.I. was called for. The whole 3rd album. No more shuffle so we heard dif artists! Well, she was the driver. Solution. Get out the headphones & my own ipod! 'cept I got in trouble for singing along with my tunes! It really did go by fast. Now she's home for 3 weeks. Cleaning closets is on tap. She doesn't know that yet.
Told you at the beginning this would ramble. Thanks for your support!

Positive Post Tuesday

2008-12-16T09:48:00.000-08:00

Just bought Straight No Chaser's (SNC) "Holiday Spirirts" on itunes. They are so soothing. The sound of a cappella is like no other. They formed in college and thought they were pretty much done with music. They came back together for a reunion. One of the 10 members posted videos of their college performances on you tube & well, the rest is history. Over 9 million hits and counting! Their "12 days of Christmas" is unlike any "12 days" I've ever heard. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Fe11OlMiz8&feature=related Check it out along with numerous other clips. None have quit their day jobs yet, but they sure are staying busy with concert dates.
The positive part is their voices make me happy, on days I don't feel that way. I really need to find a job. Am just short of stir-crazy. Anyone hiring recovering addict pharmacists? Therein lies the rub. I have proven to myself that I can go back to that environment and work without the desire for narcotics. That, too, is positive. The treatment and continuation of recovery with the help of a 12 step program and a wonderful sponsor, I am living life on life's terms. Like it or not. Job or not. I know that God has my back and will provide what I need. That's a super-positive thing.
Short PPT, but I did it again.

Decorated for Christmas

2008-12-13T07:13:00.000-08:00

It is less than 2 weeks until Christmas! I'm trying to stay upbeat, but being out of work stinks at this time of year. I have so much to be thankful for, though. I have a roof over my head, a wonderful family, and the house looks like Christmas. I love snowmen, so many of my ornaments are snowmen. The whole tree is now decorated with only Christopher Radko ornaments. My husband & daughter bought the 1st two about 10 years ago. Even the topper is CR. I also hang the Wallace Silver bells each year. I'm sure it would embarrass Amanda if I still put her grade school projects on the tree! They are tucked away.
Not sure yet if there is a white Christmas on the way. Next week snow is forecast Monday til Thursday morning. Just as long as I can get out of here on Thursday morning to fly to Waco. Amanda's friends wedding is Friday! 6 days. Can hardly wait to see the bridesmaid dress and the bride's dress. Amanda helped the bride with both. They shopped til they dropped! An evening wedding at Christmas.
Then Amanda will have a co-pilot for the trip back to Amarillo. She's 22 now, do you think it's time for a few of those mother-daughter talks?
Some days she seems so grown up and ready for graduation in May. Some days I get a call saying "I don't want to grow up"! I told her it's kind of late. 22 is grown up. It's the stress of job hunting. It's worrying if her resume stacks up. It's worrying about her GPA. She does have an advantage over me at that age. She's already lived off campus for 3 years now. Paying her own rent and other bills. She's got stuff in her name. I didn't have that advantage.
She called me yesterday. "Mom, so & so's brother graduates high school in May". (something I already knew). I told her that he didn't seem so much younger than her anymore. When the girls were 16, those little brothers seems so immature & young! My how a few years changes all that. My baby is having growing pains.
Had to show off my handiwork. I love to cross-stitch. I started the stocking when she was born and finished before her 1st Christmas. The Advent calendar took a lot longer. I started it after the stocking. Finished the bottom half before her 2nd Christmas, then worked on the top half. It was done by the next Christmas.
My prayer is that these stay with her wherever God puts her. What great stuff to pass on. It's not just the advice now, it's the family traditions we have developed over time. That is what is precious. These are treasures. Things I never really had as a child. I have good memories from when I was little, but as my family struggled during my teen years, those were distant memories. It's hard to think of this year that way, but sometimes my expectations are too high.
This will really be her last long stay at home. I need to make it special. We need to clean out her closets. (yes, she has two). She needs to decide what to keep, what to give away, and what is trash. So much has collected over 22 years. 20 in the same house! We have outgrown our house with "stuff". My husband thinks I'm the pack rat, but I think he must close his eyes when he steps in the garage! Ha!
Anyway, I'm getting mopey writing some of this. Cutting those apron strings, one at a time, is getting harder! Each time she comes home & leaves, those strings don't seem to reach as far. Enjoy every minute with your kids. Always.

Positive Post Tuesday

2008-12-09T08:05:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here taking the Brody Harper challenge. Is it Tuesday already? Have been listened to Jon & Sherry Rivers on Klove. They are celebrating their 19th anniversary. Jon played SCC's "I Will be Here", reminding Sherry they listened to it the 1st time they went out.
Hadn't heard that song in a really long time. I am so thankful for that reminder today. Being unemployed & worrying about financial things is such a human thing. Not that I should slack on paying bills, but give it up to the One is always here. God speaks to us in such a human way. Through a simple song that "just happened" to play. Through the words of someone "just happened" to share in a 12-step meeting. Through the page of the Bible I "just happened" to open. Through the verses a dying woman "just happened" to pick out to have read at her funeral.
NOTHING "just happens". God is so great. He opened up an awesome forum for people from all over during an awesome streaming concert. He brought even more friends into my life for a reason. I was supposed to be at the MM concert that night & hear Bart say we on streaming online. I was supposed to remember the next night. Never had I been part of a chat room. I'm not very computer savvy. God brought us all together for a reason. To share our lives, to encourage each other, and to hopefully touch someone else thru the words God has us type. Now that is AWESOME & positive. Even those that got on with the intention of being complete jerks. We didn't act like jerks back. It was kind of funny. They just said let's move on. And they did. But, not before they got an earful of great music & the words of a wonderful band of worshippers. Now that is positive.

Living Life

2008-12-08T08:55:00.000-08:00

Have been reflective the past few days. A friend who had cancer won her battle to get into heaven on Thursday, Dec 4, 2008. 37 years old, wife, mother, sister, daughter. Gave so much of herself & asked for nothing in return. She took time to reach out to others even in death. Her service was all her. The verses, the songs, the celebration of life, both here and in heaven. Courageous all thru her battle. I didn't know her well, but what she had to say at the funeral gave me pause.
What have I done with my life? Have I left any kind of footprint? What will I be remembered for? Sounds like a pity party! Everyone is invited! My life has taken such a dramatic turn in the past 2 years. I did things I am so ashamed of. But, you know what? God has had my back the whole time. Kinda like closing your eyes and falling back into that group of people who are supposed to catch you. Remember that little exercise in trust & faith? How hard it is sometimes to remember that! In addiction, self-run is the only way to live! Ego is the only way to make decisions. How stupid that all seems. Recovery is so hard, but so simple. It all comes down to the battle of my own self-will and God's. It seems so simple to just say "take my will & my life" each day, but to then take that first step of the day with God in the drivers seat is hard sometimes.
When some tragedy occurs, whether it be an illness, a death, financial disaster. It is hard to find that "silver lining". But, it's there. And only when God decides it's time to reveal that "silver lining" will I know the reason the tragedy occurred. If Rachel's celebration of life service touched my heart, I'm sure it touched others. There were hundreds of people at that service. To see the vast numbers of people (adults & children) whose lives she touched in life was overwhelming!
My life tragedies are ego-made. (I think I just made that word up). Now, it's up to me to continue doing the next right thing all day long. Having that faith that sometimes seems to be elusive. I have to stop & listen for direction. I cannot pick it on my own. When I do, my path gets a little crooked. I need to remember that God has my back, even when I go a little crooked. Learning from these little detours is somehow part of God's plan. Again, back to that listening thing. I don't want to listen & hear my own voice arguing with God! But, isn't that sometimes the way? "Be still & know that I am God".
I do want my life to be more than a blip. I want people to remember me for what I'm doing with my life now, not when I took too many pain pills & muscle relaxants. I am a child of God and He has brought me to this point for a reason. I want to make a difference. In my life, in a suffering addict's life, in my husband's life, in my daughter's life.
My sponsor just sent me her quote of the day. "If instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into heart of a friend, that would be giving as the angels give" George MacDonald. WOW. God continues to put things in order for me. This is what I'm saying. It doesn't have to be a material gift, but a heavenly gift. That is so perfect! Living each day as God would have me live it. Touching a person with how I live my life in recovery. Reaching that "still suffering" addict. I've seen it. I've been a part of it. But, you know what? I also know that I may not always see the results of my words. And that's ok. I used to need that pat on the back, but now? Nah. Well, maybe once in a while! Well all need a boost in self-esteem sometimes.
What a way to ramble. This little blog has given me a different kind of freedom. I have said before I hate writing, but typing is somehow easier. I still ramble, but it helps to unramble sometimes. Get all those tangled-up thoughts out of my head! Praise God for introducing me to blogging & bloggers.

Living Life without Sunday's with Bebo & MM

2008-11-30T17:08:00.000-08:00

Just as it was hard for Brody to get up this morning & rejoin his regular Sunday gig, it was hard for me to not be in a chat room full of MM fans tonight. It is a little bit of a letdown, but if I let it go to far am I not a little too groupie? My husband & daughter thought I'd lost my mind! I'm glad I didn't (lose my mind)!
The last time I lost my mind, I was caught stealing drugs from my employer. Who would ever employ a pharmacist who got caught stealing from the candy store? Two wonderful people in the past year have given me an opportunity and I thank them for their braveness. I don't even know who that crazy girl was. Someone in physical pain, who has found she was also in spiritual pain. What a hole in my life there was; or so I thought. Thank God there is a God who has always been there, just waiting to hear that cry of surrender. There was never a hole in my life, just some wacky brain freeze that lasted a little too long. The physical pain is still there. Too much nerve damage for it to be repaired. I will never be "normal" but I can continue to grow spiritually and pay it forward. I love to pay it forward.
I am so sore from "fluffing" my artificial tree. I am allergic to the scent of real ones. I think I'll hire a fluffer for next year! Will do a little each day-with help from my wonderfully patient husband. Too, bad Amanda had to go back to school. It was great to have her home for a few days.
There are so few days at home left. She will graduate in May and fall who knows where. Dallas, Austin, or Cleveland. Only God knows. I am flying to Waco on the 18th to go to 2 of her best friends marrying each other. She is a bridesmaid. God brought them together as freshman-the 2 friends had known each other for a long time-mix in a few others & a forever group was formed. She has a forever group from high school, too. She's finding it harder for all of them to get together even during holidays. She told me not too long ago, that she didn't want to grow up! I think it's happening. I told her it was a little late, that at 22 she was almost there!
Phones ringing, she must have arrived back in Waco. Oh, I had a point when I brought up the wedding. I am riding back for 7 hours with her. What wisdom shall I enlighten her with. There's not much time left for those mom/daughter talks. I guess there will always be time, but they won't be in-the-car-in-your-face moments. Cherish them. Wisdom. God help me out.
Miss all you SLOBbers. It's a quiet Sunday night.

Friends

2008-11-25T07:00:00.000-08:00

You know what? This is a week of Thanksgiving. No room for feeling sorry for myself. Why is it my faith seems to take a straight & easy path and I insist on taking a left along the way? Is it that human factor? Anyway back to giving thanks.
1. Thanks to God for my home, cars, and family. Oh, and the turkey thawing in the frig!
2. Thanks for family. I have a wonderful husband of 22 1/2 years. He has put up with a lot and always has an answer for my question. I have a wonderful daughter who is a senior at Baylor. It can't be! I have 2 step daughters who live kinda far away. They are wonderful. 1 daughter has 5 kids (grandkids), from 1 to 14. The middle child, a feisty 7 year old, recently told his mother that he didn't think the vegetables on his plate tasted as good as last year! I wish we could see them more often. They lost their other set of grandparents in a car accident in February. The grandparents were on their way to babysit them. It is going to being tough for my son-in-law & the kids. Somewhere in this tragedy is a way to give thanks, but sometimes it's hard. My daughter took it hard because she has spent alot of time visiting Cleveland.
3. Thanks for friends, old and new. My goodness, my life has changed so much in the past year. The friends I have made thru NA are true blessings in my life. They understand "the mind of an addict". They helped me to understand that even prescription drugs can be a menace when used incorrectly.
I already knew that, but couldn't see it in myself. My new friends all have an interest in all things MM. God knows how & when to put the people in our lives that help shape our lives. Isn't that something to be thankful for! Friends, near & far, are a blessing in my life & I am trully thankful for them.

Everyone have a blessed week. Every day is Thanksgiving. Giving without expecting anything in return is such a boost in self-esteem. The joy of giving is such a great feeling. I love it!

Job hunting

2008-11-22T07:05:00.000-08:00

It was very sad to walk out of the store last night. The economy is hitting hard with everyone. Even pharmacists. I had a wonderful send-off. All of my techs made wonderful Mexican pot luck. From homemade chicken enchiladas, to homemade tortillas, to fajitas, to beans, to spanish rice, to Italian Creme cake (well it wasn't all Mexican). It was great to work with such dedicated people. Small pharmacy with customers that have been coming in for 30 years and 2 generations of families. Independent pharmacy is a tough thing to do right now with the BIG GUYS who offer Rx's for $4. It's hard to compete with that.
Not a good time for no job with Christmas right around the corner. I know it's not all about gifts, but with 5 grandkids 1200 miles away, it's hard to not think about gifts. This will be their first Christmas without their other grandparents. They lost their lives in a car accident in February-on their way to babysit for them.
I'm sounding kinda crybabyish this morning. I'm not really. I'm just a little sad. It's hard to find a job when your license is on probation. I am so glad God has my back, even if I'm seeming to question who's in charge anyhow.
I am so glad for the MM friends that I have made in the past 2 weeks. My goodness, God opens up the world when we least expect it. From Indiana to Hawaii. Who would have known? I go to see MM 1 night and have great new friends the next. Thanks to God for using MM & Brody Harper & the folks at ustream who wanted it to be the best broadcast.
Maybe I'll go make some PB cookies right now. Thanks, Sarah.

Brrrrrrr

2008-11-20T13:57:00.000-08:00

Today is a reminder that Indian Summer in the Texas Panhandle is OVER. It was 76 degrees yesterday. The famous panhandles winds started roaring about midnight Wednesday. And just for Sarah: it was 30 this morning with a windchill of 15! It has warmed a little and the wind has died a little. I think it may be 40 now. My hands are so cold I'm having trouble typing. Not really. : ) The weather in Hawaii, however, is 84, feels like 86. Keep my cold hands in your prayers, Pokinatcha.

Things I'm grateful for

2008-11-19T07:13:00.000-08:00

1. The first thing above all, is God. Only He know the direction my life is taking. It is hard sometimes to feel protected when all around me seems to be in chaos. I hate chaos.
2. Family. A family who is supportive of me and all I am doing.
3. Friends. I have met the most wonderful people thru my 12 step program. Recently I have made new friends thru the Mercyme website. From Indiana to Hawaii! What joy the concerts and chatroom has been. Never been in a chatroom before. Of course, the live version was awesome.
4. The freedom we have as Americans. Free to write what we want, say what we want, and the religous freedoms.
There are so many people who have fought for my freedom. I don't know anyone personally, but thanks be to those brave men & women.

First Posting

2008-11-15T11:24:00.000-08:00

Hi. I'm starting a blog for 2 reasons. First, I have been chatting with a bunch of great people thru the S.L.O.B. on Mercyme's website. I've never really done anything like it before and am enjoying it immensely. Second, I am a recovering addict. I have had 3 back surgeries. They were successful to a point. Some of the fragments did permanent nerve damage, along with massive amounts of scar tissue wrapping itself around nerves. I stole from my employer to supplement the pain meds I got from my pain management doctor. It didn't end well. I went thru treatment 16 months ago & have renewed my relationship with God. I would not be the person I am today, if not for treatment, and continued recovery. Working with a sponsor, attending meetings, and giving back thru service work. I do not take pain meds today, except acetaminophen. It is harder some days than others, but you know what? I am a better person today. I am a blessed child of God and am so thankful for that.