Positive Post Tuesday

I have been a slacker the past 2 weeks. No SSS. No PPT. No excuses. I was thinking I have nothing to say that matters. That is not positive! The disease of addiction wants me to think negative. Not see me in a good light. It is so powerful sometimes. Not the obsession part. That has been gone for months. But, the feeling that I have nothing to offer. Then a conversation comes along that makes all the work I've put into recovery a little more worthwhile.
When my Board order was put into effect in August 2007, my whole mindset was that I would do what was put out in the order & the contract that the PRN (professional recovery network-for RPh's & Dentists) and no more. Attend & complete an outpatient program (IOP), do 90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, sign up for random drug screens, and continue at least 4 meetings per week for the duration of said order. That was so much I could not see any light at the end of the tunnel. I was only going to find out what to do & then I could safely take narcotics again. WRONG.
Every day since then has been a day without drugs. The obsession is gone. I made the 90 in 90. I finished IOP. I do random drug screens (all clean). I do at least 4 meetings a week. These are all the things I HAD to do.
Now for all the things I do because I WANT to. I usually attend more than 4 meetings a week. I chair a meeting every week & have for a year. I go to the Area meetings and have a small role in our Regional NA business. I am real active in other service work. I serve as secretary for an area sub-committee that serves as Public Information. I recently stepped down at the end of a 6 month committment as Panel Leader for taking weekly meetings to our local detox unit. It is such a treat to be of service. It somehow completes my foundation of recovery.
Now possibly a new adventure. All because of addiction! Amarillo is kind of isolated up in the Panhandle of Texas. All of West Texas (from here to El Paso) is kind of isolated! Part of my contract with PRN is to attend at least 1 seminar (CE) per year that they put on. It deals with addiction/recovery. The Spring seminar was this past weekend in Austin. There are at least 4 RPh's from Amarillo. Not sure how many dentists. There is a regional monthly meeting group in the larger, more populated areas of Texas. Not in Amarillo at this time. The PRN staff is looking at developing one in the Panhandle & talked with me a little bit about helping to put it together. I know it's a compliment, but addicts are hard headed when it comes to accepting compliments! I tend to think it's also because I'm not working and because I'm a woman. We just organize stuff better!
The other thing I've thought about for these past 2 years is reaching out to pharmacy students. There is a School of Pharmacy in Amarillo (thru Texas Tech). I've never considered myself to be a good speaker, but I felt like it was something I wanted to look in to. I met another pharmacist from Houston who speaks to 1st year students at the University of Houston School of Pharmacy. It was a God thing. She left before I could get her contact info, but 1 of the guys from Amarillo has known her for years.
Keep these last two things on your prayer list. I don't want to jump in to either without being ready. I always knew there was a reason I became addicted later in life. I am an example. Now I need to become that recovering example. There is life after active addiction.

Positive Post Tuesday

Sunday when we went to church with Amanda, the announcements were running on the big screens. I caught one right before it changed. It said something about addiction & recovery on Monday nights. I asked Amanda about it and she wasn't familiar with it. She only gets to her home church a few times a year now. Anyway, after church there was a flyer under the windshield. It was about that meeting! I asked Amanda if it would bother her if I went. I didn't want to break her anonymity without her permission.
I had another commitment with NA at 6pm. I am very active in the outreach programs we have in Amarillo and once a month we meet & coordinate and report on the past month's activities. It usually lasts an hour. As usual, when I had somewhere I wanted to be at 7, my NA meeting went til 7:40! Couldn't leave. I'm the secretary!
As soon as we closed, I bolted. I got to the meeting at the church at 7:45 and was welcomed with open arms! That meeting went to 8:20 (instead of 8). Met some great people. It is a meeting of both addicts and family members. It was different hearing the point of view of family members. It's so hard for non-addicts to understand addiction. It's just as hard to explain. On the other hand, our family members struggle with questions. "What did we do wrong?" "I am a bad parent". "We have tried everything". To hear their pain brings addiction full circle. As an addict, EVERYTHING was all about me. That self-centeredness and spiritual emptiness is hard for an addict to grasp, let alone the family members we hurt.
It's a small group and a little less structured than most meetings I've attended, but the goal is the same. Recovery. For both the addict and the family. And it's NOT a "higher power" group. It's a God centered group. When I told them how I came about coming, one gentlemen told me they put 500 flyers under windshields. He told me that my being there was a God thing. I totally agreed with him. No doubt in my mind. I needed this. I needed to be able to speak freely about what God is doing in my life. I feel so generic when I have to say "higher power". I feel like I'm hurting God's feelings.
I know NA has to be that way. So many that come through the doors of NA grew up with a fear of God. Or nothing spiritual in their lives, ever! God is scary to them, so it's important to ease people toward a concept of a power greater than themselves.
I think this new group will add a dimension to my recovery that I feel has been missing for the past 21 months. I have grown closer to God again & want to shout it out! My spiritual void has been refilled by working my program. Now that is positive!

Thoughts on a Sunday

Today is such an awesome day to celebrate the Living God. To celebrate with excitment, joy, & hope for our salvation. To share that excitement, joy, & hope with others. To "restate the obvious". No matter the packaging, the message is ALWAYS the same and to never forget what that message is. It never changes. Never.

• Enjoying the 3 days Amanda is home. She has slept in every day.
  
• 30 days til graduation (woo hoo)
• She hasn't been home since Christmas & had very little she really wanted to do. (she was home for D-now at church, but wasn't home)
• She's glaring at me to hurry up so she can get on the laptop (hers is in her room!).
• We ate a wonderful brunch at a local restaurant. They cooked eggs benedict & omlettes to order (we all had the eggs benedict). The buffet had several meat dishes, fruit, b'fast meats, potatoes, and desserts. As we left Amanda said she wasn't overfull, but a "happy full"!
• Graduation is in 30 days!
• She has an interview in Dallas tomorrow. It is on her way back to Waco, sort of. It's out in Richardson.
• Still no job for me either, but I have to maintain the faith. I can with the prayers of friends.
• Had thunderstorms yesterday. We have been behind on moisture, even with a foot of snow 2 weeks ago.
• Only 4 Roadshows remain. :(
• Amanda wants a set of golf clubs for graduation. Her dad is thrilled!

What a great day. We just need to remember that church is not a once a week deal. It's 24/7. Be blessed each day this week.