Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Positive Post Tuesday

The picture is from Christmas Eve 2008. Every Christmas Eve my sweet husband makes dozens of pierogies. Amanda has helped the last several years. It's become quite the tradition for them. I'm trying not to think too far ahead, because I will just cry. It's about 99% sure we'll be moving to the State of Washington & who knows what Christmas Eve 2009 holds. I know, this is supposed to be positive!
In recovery we try to measure time in spans no longer than 24 hours. Sometimes it's hard. I want to know what tomorrow holds. Today. I am not always patient with God. But, He's always patient. Always there. Always knows what tomorrow holds. (whisper in my ear, would you please?).
All I can see is the negative. Kinda like when I went into treatment 2 years ago. It wasn't my fault. That stupid Pharmacy Board! Everyone was wrong & had it in for me. What did Andy Stanley remind folks of Sunday? Who is the common denominator in all your troubles? Well, duh. It's ME!!
All the "what-ifs" keep dragging me down, when I know God is there saying keep your eyes forward! Quit looking back. It's over. It's done. It's the past. When running the good race, looking back can shave time off your sprint. Keeping taking that next step of faith. Give your worries up & quit taking them back!! "What if" I had not stolen from my employer to supplement my prescriptions? "What if" I had looked into treatment a full year before the Compliance Officer from the Board came knocking? It all comes back to the common denominator. Me.
If I hadn't done the things I did, we wouldn't be looking at moving thousands of miles away. We wouldn't be in the financial crisis we're in. I try not to blame myself, but the disease of addiction is tricky. It wants me to feel pain. It wants me to be in a constant pity-party. It wants me to numb the world around me again. Always. Every second of the day.
And therein lies the positiveness of today. I choose NOT to give into that. Well, maybe a little. Not numbing the world around me has, in turn, given the world back to me. Without the use of drugs. Without the guilt & shame. God has re-entered my life & my heart is once again full with the Holy Spirit. I want to share my faith & my recovery with others.
Recovery talks about giving back what was so freely given to me. Doesn't that sound familiar? Recovery may not like to use the word God, for fear of scaring people away, but most 12 step programs are taken from the original, AA. Back in the 1930's they wrote some magical steps on how to recover. Taken straight from the Bible. The Bible is never mentioned or quoted in most 12 step literature, but it jumps off the page for people like me who are familiar with the Bible. It's sad to see the number of people who come once & never return. Scared of who they might find behind those frightened eyes.
Just for today, I am trying to stay positive. Just the thought of leaving my home of 20 years is sad enough. 5 walk-in closets to sort through. 20 years of memories. They are just that. I have pictures. I have my memories. The only house Amanda remembers (she was almost 3).
Keep us in prayer as we make a huge transition in our lives. Reluctantly. I don't feel like God is telling me one way or the other. I feel like I've been listening. Really hard. Maybe because it's not the answer I want? Denial, I am familiar with you!

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Sunday, July 19, 2009

Stats Suck Sunday


Well, it's been a long day, but I now have a few minutes to do that SSS thing that many of us do. Bullet points because no one reads blogs on Sunday. So make it simple!

  • Listening to "Glory Revealed II" while typing. Kind of reminds me of Bart & the "Hymned" music.
  • Going to Austin Friday to move Amanda's stuff from Waco to her very own apartment in Austin. Driving to my brother's on Friday & staying the night. Borrowing his pick-up & meeting Amanda in Waco Saturday morning at the storage unit where stuff has been awaiting her return since graduation in May!
  • She found a great roommate and got to sign the lease without a guarantor (ie Dad). She felt pretty old that day! She's had bills in her name by herself, but not an apartment.
  • Ted was offered the job in Washington. Quincy if you want to see where it's at. Need to make a final decision by Tuesday the 21st.
  • Week has been a blur since I worked 3 days. Just filled in at the pharmacy where I was laid off. It was good to see friends & just work.
  • Got my 2 year medallion on Friday with the friend I went through treatment with. Her 2 years wasn't until Thursday. I always wait for her to celebrate our clean time.
  • Think I'll buy my Jeremy Camp/Natalie Grant/Bebo Norman ticket now. They come here on November 7th (I think). Switchfoot & The Afters are here on a Wednesday afternoon in August. At the park across the street from me! How exciting!
  • Love the Mango Cherry Cooler thing from Sonic. Loads of juice & smushed up pineapple in the bottom. Kind of a pain with the pieces get stuck in the straw, but that does not deter me from drinking it!
In case I don't post next Sunday, don't worry, I'll be back late Sunday. :)

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Sunday, July 12, 2009

Stats Suck Sunday


I borrowed the above image from my friend, Brody. The Sunday blog everyone waits for. Random thoughts in bullet points, since no one reads blogs on Sunday! (I do).
  • I am going to work the next 3 days. At the pharmacy I was laid off from. It is to fill in while one of the other pharmacist's is on vacation. I am excited. I really miss working.
  • I celebrated 2 years free from pain & muscle relaxer drugs yesterday. Recovery is a wonderful thing. I have met so many wonderful people. I am re-discovering myself. No need to numb myself or the life around me.
  • I just came from a "home show" in one of the newer housing developments in Amarillo. It was put on as a fund raiser for a dear friend who has melanoma and is not doing well. She is a wonderful caterer.
  • Still no jobs for us. Ted went to the State of Washington earlier in the week for a face-to-face interview. Should hear something this week.
  • Went on a West Texas road trip yesterday. With 2 NA friends. We went to Midland (4 hrs away) for an NA regional meeting. I represent the Panhandle area as an alternate. The other person couldn't go. I loved listening to the other 2. They have 25+years between them & have a lot of recovery wisdom to share with a "2" year old. Left at 7am, meeting at 1, finished at 5, home at 9. We did have lunch in there somewhere!
  • Really hot here again today. Broke a record 1 day, tied it another. Was 112 just East of us. That is nuts.
  • Hope the alarm clock still works. (just kidding. Used it yesterday)
  • Need to iron a couple of pairs of slacks. Guess I better get after it! It's too hot to iron.
  • What's for dinner? It's 5:10 & I have no idea. Hmmmm.
Have a blessed week. :)

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Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Positive Post Tuesday

I've been trying to stay in a positive frame of mind today. My husband is in the State of Washington today. He had a job interview in the middle part of the state. Moses Lake/Quincy area. It would to run a type of rural health clinic in Quincy. It took him nearly 12 hours from the time I dropped him at the airport until he finally got to the motel room in Moses Lake. And he gets to do it all over again tomorrow. He liked the area. Forgot to make him take the camera. Hope he brings back some info. I have "googled" the area. Checked the Pharmacy reciprocity. It is more cumbersome than Colorado would have been. And it remains to be seen how a state will handle a license on probation. I'll cross them waters if they come.
On another positive note, Amanda signed a lease on an apartment in Austin for the 25th of July. It is a 2 bedroom that she will share with a friend. They looked at several & this was the one that fit their needs. Except for a washer & dryer. There are hook-ups. Now to undo what we did 2 months ago in Waco. Clean out the storage unit & make a final (for at least a year) move to Austin. She keeps running into people she either knows or knows through others. The girl that checked her out at the grocery store yesterday was a friend of her dorm mates from her freshman year at Baylor. The randomness of life!
This time of year always finds me contemplating where I was 2 years ago. Two years ago I was an addict in denial. No way was I a "junkie". Other people might be. I judged them everyday at work. God has so blessed me. He keeps giving me the gift of recovery. Every day. Two years ago I could have made the decision to give up. Not fight for my license. Not fight for my life. Thank God, I didn't. I chose recovery and what a difference it has made in my life. On Saturday, July 11th, I celebrate 2 years clean. It has not been easy, but it has been simple. God has given me new eyes and some awesome friends. Not just superficial friends or social friends, but people who have been where I have been. At my bottom. Only God could have done this. I just need to continue to carry the message of recovery and how blessed my life is-no matter the unemployment! I am not ashamed anymore. Well, maybe a little, but I can look you in the eye now & not feel guilt when speaking. My heart overflows with the need to stay clean, continue my recovery, and pass it on to the newcomer. Life is too short.

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Sunday, July 5, 2009

Stats Suck Sunday


Note: I did not take the above picture. But, I read somewhere that a picture at the top of your blog brings interest to the blog. Thanks, Picasa for the loan!
It's Sunday (again)! So, what better to do? A post in bullet points.

  • Husband is packing for his 3 day adventure to the NW. He has never been to Washington State. He has a job interview on Tuesday with a Rural Health Clinic in the middle of the state.
  • When he comes back on Wednesday, he flies Seattle > Portland > Dallas. The weird thing is this. My brother, sister-in-law, & niece will be in Portland at a Basketball tourney. They fly today, come home Thursday.
  • The sister to the niece mentioned above, lives about 80 miles from us. She is the woman's basketball coach for a 1A team. She will soon start her 2nd year there. She got married 11 months ago, but has been so busy they haven't had time to drive here for a visit. We went to several games last winter. They came yesterday to grill out. It was great to finally get to meet her husband & get to know him. We visited for hours! Now he wants to come back for more of my husband's cooking and to talk sports!
  • The aforementioned niece & Amanda were born 29 days apart. Nicole is the older of the two and started Kindergarten a year before Amanda. One born in August, the other September.
  • Turned 52 on Wednesday. Don't feel any older. I think age is just a number.
  • Watched fireworks from the front yard instead of walking the 4 blocks to have an unobstructed view. We watched with several neighbors. They were, as usual, fantastic. My 1 neighbor is a great photographer. I should have had him send me 1 of his photos!
  • Amanda's free "celebrity" haircut went well. Giving up her Mon & Tues mornings off for the before & after shots, color, cut, make-up, promotion for the stylist taking over the salon in August. And she had to work her regular shifts of 2-10pm. They were long days, but she had Wed & Thurs off & spent it with friends from Waco, Dallas, & College Station.
  • We will probably go to Austin & then to Waco to help her move from the storage unit to her final destination in Austin. Move-in is in 3 weeks. She has friends with pick-ups.
  • Coming up on 2 years clean. Saturday, July 11th. Wow. Where I was 2 years ago was not a place I'm proud of, but by God's grace, I'm starting to forgive myself. I have to be able to forgive myself, before I can forgive others. Resentments I have against myself are hard. But, I have a great sponsor who is guiding me on this journey. And great friends, too.
Hope everyone had a great weekend. :)

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