The picture is from Christmas Eve 2008. Every Christmas Eve my sweet husband makes dozens of pierogies. Amanda has helped the last several years. It's become quite the tradition for them. I'm trying not to think too far ahead, because I will just cry. It's about 99% sure we'll be moving to the State of Washington & who knows what Christmas Eve 2009 holds. I know, this is supposed to be positive!
In recovery we try to measure time in spans no longer than 24 hours. Sometimes it's hard. I want to know what tomorrow holds. Today. I am not always patient with God. But, He's always patient. Always there. Always knows what tomorrow holds. (whisper in my ear, would you please?).
All I can see is the negative. Kinda like when I went into treatment 2 years ago. It wasn't my fault. That stupid Pharmacy Board! Everyone was wrong & had it in for me. What did Andy Stanley remind folks of Sunday? Who is the common denominator in all your troubles? Well, duh. It's ME!!
All the "what-ifs" keep dragging me down, when I know God is there saying keep your eyes forward! Quit looking back. It's over. It's done. It's the past. When running the good race, looking back can shave time off your sprint. Keeping taking that next step of faith. Give your worries up & quit taking them back!! "What if" I had not stolen from my employer to supplement my prescriptions? "What if" I had looked into treatment a full year before the Compliance Officer from the Board came knocking? It all comes back to the common denominator. Me.
If I hadn't done the things I did, we wouldn't be looking at moving thousands of miles away. We wouldn't be in the financial crisis we're in. I try not to blame myself, but the disease of addiction is tricky. It wants me to feel pain. It wants me to be in a constant pity-party. It wants me to numb the world around me again. Always. Every second of the day.
And therein lies the positiveness of today. I choose NOT to give into that. Well, maybe a little. Not numbing the world around me has, in turn, given the world back to me. Without the use of drugs. Without the guilt & shame. God has re-entered my life & my heart is once again full with the Holy Spirit. I want to share my faith & my recovery with others.
Recovery talks about giving back what was so freely given to me. Doesn't that sound familiar? Recovery may not like to use the word God, for fear of scaring people away, but most 12 step programs are taken from the original, AA. Back in the 1930's they wrote some magical steps on how to recover. Taken straight from the Bible. The Bible is never mentioned or quoted in most 12 step literature, but it jumps off the page for people like me who are familiar with the Bible. It's sad to see the number of people who come once & never return. Scared of who they might find behind those frightened eyes.
Just for today, I am trying to stay positive. Just the thought of leaving my home of 20 years is sad enough. 5 walk-in closets to sort through. 20 years of memories. They are just that. I have pictures. I have my memories. The only house Amanda remembers (she was almost 3).
Keep us in prayer as we make a huge transition in our lives. Reluctantly. I don't feel like God is telling me one way or the other. I feel like I've been listening. Really hard. Maybe because it's not the answer I want? Denial, I am familiar with you!