Monday, December 8, 2008

Living Life

Have been reflective the past few days. A friend who had cancer won her battle to get into heaven on Thursday, Dec 4, 2008. 37 years old, wife, mother, sister, daughter. Gave so much of herself & asked for nothing in return. She took time to reach out to others even in death. Her service was all her. The verses, the songs, the celebration of life, both here and in heaven. Courageous all thru her battle. I didn't know her well, but what she had to say at the funeral gave me pause.
What have I done with my life? Have I left any kind of footprint? What will I be remembered for? Sounds like a pity party! Everyone is invited! My life has taken such a dramatic turn in the past 2 years. I did things I am so ashamed of. But, you know what? God has had my back the whole time. Kinda like closing your eyes and falling back into that group of people who are supposed to catch you. Remember that little exercise in trust & faith? How hard it is sometimes to remember that! In addiction, self-run is the only way to live! Ego is the only way to make decisions. How stupid that all seems. Recovery is so hard, but so simple. It all comes down to the battle of my own self-will and God's. It seems so simple to just say "take my will & my life" each day, but to then take that first step of the day with God in the drivers seat is hard sometimes.
When some tragedy occurs, whether it be an illness, a death, financial disaster. It is hard to find that "silver lining". But, it's there. And only when God decides it's time to reveal that "silver lining" will I know the reason the tragedy occurred. If Rachel's celebration of life service touched my heart, I'm sure it touched others. There were hundreds of people at that service. To see the vast numbers of people (adults & children) whose lives she touched in life was overwhelming!
My life tragedies are ego-made. (I think I just made that word up). Now, it's up to me to continue doing the next right thing all day long. Having that faith that sometimes seems to be elusive. I have to stop & listen for direction. I cannot pick it on my own. When I do, my path gets a little crooked. I need to remember that God has my back, even when I go a little crooked. Learning from these little detours is somehow part of God's plan. Again, back to that listening thing. I don't want to listen & hear my own voice arguing with God! But, isn't that sometimes the way? "Be still & know that I am God".
I do want my life to be more than a blip. I want people to remember me for what I'm doing with my life now, not when I took too many pain pills & muscle relaxants. I am a child of God and He has brought me to this point for a reason. I want to make a difference. In my life, in a suffering addict's life, in my husband's life, in my daughter's life.
My sponsor just sent me her quote of the day. "If instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into heart of a friend, that would be giving as the angels give" George MacDonald. WOW. God continues to put things in order for me. This is what I'm saying. It doesn't have to be a material gift, but a heavenly gift. That is so perfect! Living each day as God would have me live it. Touching a person with how I live my life in recovery. Reaching that "still suffering" addict. I've seen it. I've been a part of it. But, you know what? I also know that I may not always see the results of my words. And that's ok. I used to need that pat on the back, but now? Nah. Well, maybe once in a while! Well all need a boost in self-esteem sometimes.
What a way to ramble. This little blog has given me a different kind of freedom. I have said before I hate writing, but typing is somehow easier. I still ramble, but it helps to unramble sometimes. Get all those tangled-up thoughts out of my head! Praise God for introducing me to blogging & bloggers.

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