Today is supposed to be a positive post according to the rules. Sometimes it's hard to pick out the glimpses of positiveness from the day. I'm going to try, because I know that when I write about it or talk about, I will feel better.
As the 2 or 3 of you that keep up with my blog, you know I'm an addict in recovery & unemployed. Unemployed because of the "rules" that have to be followed if I'm to work as a pharmacist for you. I only mention the unemployed part because I'm whiny. And because I have a lot of free time on my hands. Means more meetings, more service work, and more time with my sponsee.
My phone rang last night at 9:59. It was my sponsee. She had originally called at 7:20 & I missed her call. She left a voice mail & I called her right back. No answer. Tried again at 9:00, no answer. Then a call at 9:59. She was in tears. She had been to the liquor store & bought, not only a 1/2 gallon of vodka, but a smaller bottle, too. She is in a half-way house & has a 10:00 curfew, let alone no alcohol or drugs on the premises. She left the 1/2 gallon in her car & once the door is locked at the house, you are in for the night.
There was very little I could do last night. I called my sponsor for advice. She reminded me that if my sponsee was going to relapse & was set for relapse, that I could not stop her. That is a hard pill (forgive the pun) to swallow. I want to help everybody! I know I can't work her program of recovery for her. She has to make choices based on her recovery. I can only offer advice and what I see as safe choices.
Thankfully she dumped the small bottle down the drain and had a very sleepless night, as did I. I made a specific time to meet this morning. It turned into an all day event. But that's ok, if I helped her make a better choice.
We went to the local donut shop & visited for 2 hours. We discussed the possibility of her leaving the Amarillo area. Sometimes recovering addicts need to change people, places, and things. We went to the noon NA meeting. Oddly enough, it was about Step 2. How to develop a relationship with a "higher power". Soooo many addicts have such a negative view of religon & God. And it's hard as a Christian to not get all "religious" with newcomers. It's more about learning to trust again. Trust yourself, trust God. We parted ways just before her 3:00 appointment with her counselor.
Sometimes I feel so human & inadequate! Oh, wait, I am! The positive spin is that my sponsee didn't relapse last night or this morning. I dumped the 1/2 gallon of vodka this afternoon. Had to break the seal. She didn't. Hopefully something I said or did encouraged her today. I still feel inadequate, but I know God had me say some things to her that I'm sure I wouldn't have probably said otherwise. I don't like the role of sponsor. I KNOW I have experience, strength, & hope to share. The more I pray, the more confident I am that the right words will come out of my mouth. I also know that I grow, not only in my own recovery, but also my walk with God.
I am so glad that my "higher power" is God. And I'm glad to share that with anyone. I know what He's done in my life, even when I wouldn't admit it. God has taken away my obsession with my drugs of choice. My sponsee is confused as to why He hasn't for her. I don't have the answer, but I know that He did it for me. I don't even remember asking Him. It just happened. I like sharing that. It is NOT just a coincidence. Since I work with my drugs of choice (when I'm working, that is) every day I am thrilled not to be scared to work around these drugs. I think God has done this for me so I can give back to others in recovery. I don't know how, but I know if I need that information, God would deliver.
I hope & pray that the choices I make today will reflect in my work ethic again. That people will trust me and not judge me. That is not anyone else's job. I know I am a different person than I was 2 years ago (thank goodness). and that I can help others with my story.