Well, it's been Tuesday all day long, and I have pondered all day long. What is positive today? Right now. I could still continue to be ticked that I still don't have a job. I could be negative because I have bills to pay & my unemployment didn't deposit today AND the stupid Workforce Commission was "unable to handle my call" ALL day long. No way to leave a message, nothing.
Then I go to Aftercare. It's every Tuesday night. It's a combination of people from all walks of recovery. Mostly people who are in or have been in IOP (intensive out-patient treatment program). It is one of the requirements of my board order. Tonight, the topic was gratitude. One guy, who is the philosophical one of the bunch, told us how he felt that 1st night in IOP. It reminded me of how I felt. Everything he said, I either felt or went through. Sometimes it's good to have those little reminders to make me grateful that I am an addict.
Grateful to be an addict? Yes. A recovering addict. God had my life planned out before I was born, before I took my first breath of air. That is hard to wrap my head around sometimes. The people I have met in recovery, the reconnection with God, and the people I have met through a live, streaming concert last fall. Wow. So many things that God has put in front of me. I am grateful I don't have to make any more decisions without help. It's all God. Whether it's me listening for His take or the people God puts in my life to give me their advice, it's God.
Do I still have guilt & shame? Yes, but I don't have to dwell on it. It is more of a fleeting thought. I do have amends to make, but I'm not equipped with the tools I need yet. That's the beauty of working the steps. They show me how to take my life back, one step at a time. Along with God, working the steps show me how to live. And how to act rather that react. How to be excited about what's ahead in my life.
I am grateful to be clean. 20 months tomorrow. Wow! 2 years ago I had just been in Austin, before the Pharmacy Board. Scared to death. Feeling like no one was on my side. Nothing was my fault. I was in control. Now? I'm sitting here shaking my head! Who was that girl? She was so sick. I believe it is a huge part of recovery for me to pass my story on to others. That's what was done for me & it helps refuel me today to pass on my experience, strength & hope. What a joy. What an honor. Now that is positive.